SATIRICAL NEWS

shashichief · 1st Moderator

SATIRICAL NEWS

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Delhi to Get New Name Too

Bombay became Mumbai, Madras became Chennai, Calcutta became Kolkata and Bangalore is making the switch to Bengaluru. Now comes news that Delhi will soon be known as Dilli. “Delhi is an English word, a colonial word,” said Chief Minister Sheila Dik****. “In the local languages, everyone knows our great city as Dilli.”

Atlanta resident Archana Sen said the name change would benefit her and other new immigrants. “I’m so relieved about this,” she said. “Now people will not make fun of us when we say we’re from Dilli.”

The new name is also expected to benefit poets, many of whom had trouble getting anything to rhyme with Delhi, aside from ‘smelly.’

“It’s exciting,” said Indian poet Vikram Bikram. “Now I can write lines such as ‘Silly Willie went from Philly to Dilli to eat some chili.’ I hope no one steals that line. It took me all night to think of it.”

Job seekers will also welcome the change. “It will prevent misunderstandings,” said Raj Gopal, an accountant in Duluth, Ga. “I once went to an employment agency and told them I had worked in Delhi before. The next day, I had a job slicing meat.”

Perhaps the biggest beneficiary will be a company called City Change Inc., which helps Indian cities make the transition from a well-known to an unknown name. “People think it’s an easy thing,” said Rajiv Gupta, CEO of City Change, “but it’s a huge, costly process. We have to change countless signs, logos and stationery – and we also have to help businesses make the change. Do you have any idea how many Delhi Darbars there are?”

The city will also have to spend money on educating people around the world about the new name. “That’s very important,” Gupta said. “You won’t believe how many Americans still ask me what happened to Madras. They think it got swept away by the tsunami.”

Abraham George, a professor at the soon-to-be University of Dilli, questioned the name change, saying that the city was losing a name brand that had been built over many decades. “Imagine if Yahoo suddenly changed its name to Laloo,” he said. “It would lose money everywhere but Bihar.”

Chief Minister Dik**** said most people in the city, even the homeless, supported the name change, despite the cost. A homeless man who just happened to be standing outside her office agreed. “The name change is a good thing,” he said. “I would much rather be homeless in Dilli than homeless in Delhi.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the German airline Lufthansa has advised passengers who write “Dilli” on their suitcases to save time and not bother going to baggage claim. About 50,000 suitcases bound for Mumbai, Chennai and Kolkata were recently found in a warehouse at Frankfurt International Airport, all of them labeled “Undeliverable. City of destination not found on map.”

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Indian-Americans Suffer Spell of Depression

Psychologists reported a sharp rise in the number of Indian-Americans suffering from depression during the month of June, attributing it to widespread disappointment over the results of the National Spelling Bee.

“Indian-American children have historically done well in the contest,” said Atlanta psychologist John Shrinkman, “so there are high expectations every year. When those expectations aren’t met, it’s natural for people to be disappointed. In this case, an entire community was affected.”

Rajiv Tarigopula, 13, finished fourth at the 2006 Scripps National Spelling Bee, the best performance among Indian-American contestants. Indian-Americans had won five of the previous seven contests.

The expectations were especially high this year because of last year’s sweep of the top four positions by Anurag Kashyap, Aliya Deri, Samir Patel and Tarigopula, all of Indian ancestry.

“It’s not enough for our kids to win the contest,” said spelling coach Kaavya Anand. “We want them to sweep it. We want people to say, ‘Wow, those Indian kids sure can spell.’”

She noted that Indian-Americans are not represented in popular American sports like football, baseball and basketball. “We aren’t gifted in those sports,” she said. “But we’re dominant in the spelling bee and that gives us immense pride.”

That pride is captured in two of the most popular bumper stickers among Indian-Americans: “My kid kicked your kid’s butt in spelling” and “Your kid can’t even spell my kid’s last name.”

Previous spelling bee winners such as Sai Gunturi (2003), Pratyush Buddiga (2002) and George Abraham Thampy (2000) are treated like rock stars within the community. Thampy decided to grow a mustache and beard as a disguise after he attended an Indian-American cultural show and was mobbed by autograph seekers. “It’s madness,” he said. “I’m an ordinary human being who just happens to be blessed with spelling talent.”

While celebrities often register at hotels under fake names, Buddiga said he can’t even do that, because many hotels are operated by Indians, who would immediately recognize him. “I don’t mind if they just ask for an autograph,” he said. “But they’ll want me to pose for pictures with their entire family. Frankly, I’m tired of all the aunties pinching my cheeks and saying, ‘Such a smart boy.’”

This year’s National Spelling Bee received primetime coverage on ABC, prompting many Indian-American families to organize parties around the event. “This was our Super Bowl,” said Koshy George of Philadelphia. “I had all my friends over for beer, chips and samosas. We cheered and exchanged high-fives whenever a desi got a word right or a non-desi didn’t.”

But George said he felt “really down” after the contest. And the next day, depression set in. “My friends said to me, ‘Snap out of it. It’s only spelling,” he said. “But that’s like saying to a Brazilian after the World Cup loss, ‘Get over it. It’s only soccer.’”

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Jolie, Pitt to Have Next Baby in India

In a major coup for India, celebrity couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have announced that their next baby will be delivered in a remote village there. “India was an easy choice for us,” Jolie said. “Where better to give birth than the country where most births are occurring?”

The couple, who have two adopted children, went to Namibia for the birth of their third child, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, putting the African country in unprecedented limelight. Until their trip, few Americans had even heard of Namibia; now it’s the number one tourist destination in the southern hemisphere.

Some Americans are paying up to $5,000 to stay in the hotel room that Jolie and Pitt stayed in, while others are paying up to $20,000 to give birth in the same spot that Jolie did.

Ambika Soni, India’s Tourism and Culture Minister, expects India to benefit even more. “This is a very big deal,” she said. “China got the 2008 Olympic Games, but we got the 2008 Jolie-Pitt Delivery! Which event do you think will get more media coverage?”

The answer, of course, is the Jolie-Pitt delivery, if history is any indication. India can expect thousands of journalists and paparazzi to descend upon the country, dispatching countless stories and pictures for newspapers, tabloids and magazines. “If we plan this well,” Soni said, “India will become the number one destination for traditional tourism as well as medical tourism. We will be able to showcase our medical facilities to westerners who would rather not pay an arm and a leg for treatment, especially when they can fly here and pay only a finger and a toe.”

Soni denied rumors that India had outbid several countries for the right to host the Jolie-Pitt delivery. “They picked us,” Soni said. “We did, however, send them a promotional video and a case of gulab jamuns.”

Jolie said she has not decided exactly which village she will deliver the baby in, but it will probably be one with broadband cable, so people can watch on the Internet. She and Pitt are currently negotiating television rights for the delivery. “We are considering a proposal from NBC,” she said. “They want to produce a reality series with various celebrities giving birth in foreign countries. I hear that Jennifer Aniston wants to give birth in New Mexico.”

There is also a possibility that Jolie will star in a Bollywood movie. She is about to appear in “A Mighty Heart,” a movie about slain Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, and will be in India just in time to appear in the Bollywood knockoff.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Tharoor Favored for Secretary General Post

Author Shashi Tharoor has become the frontrunner for the post of UN Secretary General, gaining immense support after asserting that if he gets the job he will stop writing.

“Once I am in that post, I won’t have time to be much of a writer and a columnist,” Tharoor said in an interview with CNN-IBN. “I don’t think I will have the luxury to write."

Soon after the interview, a poll showed that Tharoor had increased his support tenfold. A NewYork Times headline blared: “Tharoor promises not to write anymore, critics rejoice.” The Washington Post screamed: “Tharoor’s pledge sweeps away competition.”

Tharoor, the UN Undersecretary-General for Communications and Public Information, is the author of nine books, including three novels. He also writes a fortnightly column for The Hindu, a newspaper that has supported his candidacy from the start.

Tharoor was nominated by India on June 15, but few people took his candidacy seriously, believing that India’s prominence on the world stage and his close relationship with current secretary general Kofi Annan would ruin his chances. Then, in what’s now being considered a brilliant strategy, Tharoor reportedly began writing another book.

“It was like a threat,” New York Times literary critic Michiko Kakutani said. “If you don’t make me secretary general, I’ll write another book.”

His support increased significantly, but it was only when he confirmed that he wouldn’t write anymore that he became an overwhelming favorite.

“It was a masterful strategy,” said another critic Christopher Hitchens. “One can’t help but wonder if Tharoor began writing books with an eye toward the secretary general post.”

But Kakutani believes that Tharoor devised his strategy more recently, after witnessing the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger as California governor. “Schwarzenegger got many votes from movie buffs,” she said. “They knew that if they elected him governor, he would have to stop acting.”

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Indian-Americans Riot Over Dal Prices

Thousands of Indian-Americans went on riots in Atlanta, Chicago, New York and other major cities over the shortage and rising price of dal or lentils. The rioters overturned cars, broke store windows and burned effigies of Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh, angered that his government had banned the export of dal.

“How could they do this to us?” screamed Manish Desai of Atlanta. “They want us to support India, but they’re not supporting us.”

The riots began in Atlanta when a man named Rajiv Krishnan tried to buy eight packets of urad dal at Patel Brothers Spice and Dal Store.

Store manager Sanjay Patel told Krishnan that customers were limited to one packet of dal each. Krishnan paid for one packet, then returned to the store with his wife and six children, asking each of them to buy a packet.

Patel refused to sell the dal, saying that the entire family was considered one customer. This angered Krishnan, who started throwing packets of dal at Patel. Some of the packets ripped open, causing dal to be strewn on the floor. Customers rushed to fill their pockets with dal, fighting with each other and sparking the riot.

As word of the Atlanta riot spread around the country through blogs and text messages, Indian-Americans in other cities panicked, believing that the price of dal would shoot up further. They swarmed into stores, found shelves empty and went berserk.

Police were caught completely off guard by the dal riots. “At first we thought they were rioting over dolls,” said Atlanta Police Chief Richard Pennington. “We thought they were offended by the new Diwali Barbie.”

Before the riots, prices of some dals (also known as pulses) had risen from about 50 cents a pound to more than $2 a pound. A drought in India had shrunk the supply of dal, causing the government to ban exports to ensure that the staple food was available to the 1.1 billion people in India.

“We sympathize with our people in India, but we need dal too,” said Rupinder Gill, one of the rioters in Chicago. “We call them ‘pulses,’ because without them, we won’t have any pulse.”

Patel, who hopes to import dal from another country, has posted a new sign in his store: “All dals are being kept in a glass case at the front counter. Limit one per extended family.”

Gill and other rioters called on President Bush to suspend America’s nuclear deal with India until the two countries could agree on a “dal deal.”

Gill said anger over dal prices had been brewing in the Indian-American community for weeks and it was inevitable that it would erupt. “We Indians are generally peaceful people,” he said, “but we wanted to send a strong message to the world: Don’t mess with our dal.”