Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Three Lawyers and Three Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

20 Dollars Fixes Everything

George was planning on going out with "the boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK to go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze. George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get ****-faced. After about three hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk-ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

George's wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, that's from the guy who crapped in my pants."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Give Me the Bill

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'

The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

A Living Will

My better half and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So, she got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Bitch

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Zipper Down

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.

His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."