Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Jayalalitha are travelling in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap.

The train comes out of the tunnel.

Jayalalitha and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed.

Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Jayalalitha is thinking: -These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Madhuri is thinking: -Musharaf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Jayalalitha instead and got slapped.

Musharraf is thinking: -#### it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped me.

Vajpayee is thinking: -If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again

RJ_Sonia · Administrator

Nice Jokes..lol

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Medical Examinations

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs-and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Su bmitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she wa s completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the
grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr wouldn't submit his name

shashichief · 1st Moderator

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I
have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number
first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........
on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're
calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office
76452302 and your mobile
is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now
Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you
have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll
like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular
Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size
ones then, how much
will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of
10, Sir. The total
is $49.99"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.
Your credit card is
over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since
October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your
housing loan,
Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood
ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've
reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have
the cash ready.
How long is it going to take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't
wait you can always
come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you
own a
Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: "

?"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving
me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your
records you're also

diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%

Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on
15th July 1987 you
were convicted of using abusive language on a
policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Apna Cool Rajni...(ACTOR)

Newton-The Father of Physics commited suicide, you know why.
Here is the reason.

Once he came to India and He watched a few Tamil movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logics and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologised for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:

1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live
Rajanikanth.

2) In one of the movies, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet.
Gue! ss, what he does....... He holds a knife in his hand and throws at the middle gangster..& shoots the bullet towards the knife. The
knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but he has no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies....

This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely shaken and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a movie for one last time and thought that at least one movie will follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops not so fast.
The Climax finally arrives. Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use.
Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because its the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible)..

Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall, he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead.