Tell funniest jokes ever heard

Bamb_i · 2nd Moderator

RE: Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Disorder in the American Courts Cont.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

WORDS THAT DON"T EXIST, BUT SHOULD

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear

"the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor!!

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

shashichief · 1st Moderator

EXAM TIME:

A professor of a freshman psychology course had a class of 400 students. His final exam was scheduled very early, from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.

The professor told his students that his final was not a cumulative final and just covered the information since the last midterm, so in essence, the final was just like a midterm and would only require one hour of the two-hour allotted time. The professor told the students to bring a large Blue Book (Note: a Blue Book is a standard testing tool used throughout many universities. It basically has 10 blank pages of college-ruled notebook paper and a blue cover.) The professor was adamant that the students were only going to have one hour and not one minute more to complete the essay style exam.

The students requested that the exam begin at 9 a.m. instead of 8 a.m. since they only had an hour anyway. The professor denied the request because the professor preferred to use the second hour to begin grading the exams. The students moaned at the idea of waking up early.

On the morning of the exam, the test began at 8:10. At 8:35, a student walked in and picked up the test questions from the professor. The professor told the student he wouldn't have enough time to complete the test. The student replied, "Yes, I will."

At 9:10, the professor stopped the test and all the students turned in their blue books as they exited the room. The late student continued to write. The professor began grading some the exams.

At 9:35, the student walked up to the desk to hand in his exam, and the professor told him it was unacceptable. In a surprised voice, the student asked the professor, "Do you know who I am?"

The professor replied, "No, and I don't care."

The student said, "Good," and he stuffed his exam in the middle of the stack of 300 blue books. "Have a nice summer," the student said as he left the room.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Disorder in the American Courts Cont.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?