Subject: these are too funny!!


Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately ta ke the
words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?

Testimonials  of a few people who did.

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband a nd three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo  and a blow-job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word... he knew better.



2. I was at t he golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with th e women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I  think I like playing with men's balls."



3. My sister and I we re at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My siste r started to laugh hysterically, the
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and  walked away. This, my sister has
never let me forget.



4. W hile in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pen t-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receivi ng looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she  did not start behaving "right now" she
would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening, "If you don 't let me go right now, I'll tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee -pee last night!". The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thin g I heard
when the door closed behind me their were screams of laughter.



5. Have you ever asked your child a question too ma ny times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training an d I was
on at him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed t o go,
and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident and don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are
you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"  This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down. An older couple made me feel better by thanking me fo r the
best laugh they'd ever had!



6. This had most of the st ate of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor  who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. Here's what happens when you predict snow but don't
get any. A true story!! We had a female news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turn ed to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did  too, they were
laughing so hard

Question is that which of these scenerios corespond with your own experience if any?

With the death certificate in hand, Jim goes to the American Consulate's office to make arrangements to send the body back to the U.S. for proper burial.

The consulate, after hearing about the death of the mother-in-law, tells Jim that sending a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive -- it could cost as much as $5,000. The consulate continues and explains that in most cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body in the country where he or she passed away. This would only cost $150.

Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The consulate, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance..."