Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

SHRINK'S PROBLEM

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

ESCAPE A DWI RAP :

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror.

"Don't worry!" says the driver to his friend, "Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat and let me do all the talking!"

So they pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. "Have you been drinking?" he asks them.

"Oh no, sir," replies the driver.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch!"

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Start your Day With A Laugh:

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed

shashichief · 1st Moderator

How Golf Is Like Urinating In A Public Restroom:

1. Keep your back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder-width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anybody.
7. If you're taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
8. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
9. Be quiet while others are about to go.
10. Keep strokes to a minimum.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO, it cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money" says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be!" thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh and KablaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Omigod! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers in a raspy breath, "Unhook...my suspenders...from your side-view mirror..."