Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

BUYING A COW:

Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota, so he drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.

He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

CHRISTMAS COP :

On Christmas morning, a cop is sitting at a traffic light on horseback, and next to him is a kid on a shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket but before riding off, he says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put the d*ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Pokemon Master · Senior Member

Two men were facing each other in a train. One of the men was deaf. The deaf man said ''I know my hearing isn't that good but I can't understand a word your saying". The other man said "I wasn't speaking. I was only chewing gum".

shashichief · 1st Moderator

THE LIZARD STORY:

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks by, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints together.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and that he's going to get a drink from the river. But the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, so he swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, and then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up on a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says that he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle.

He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says, "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "Holy crap! How much water did you drink?!?"

shashichief · 1st Moderator

ITEMS FOR PRISON :

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller skating..."