Tell funniest jokes ever heard

RJ_Sonia · Administrator

RE: Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has stolen ten million bucks from him. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd never have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:

"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

ARE YOU INDIAN?

> > You are an Indian if........

> >

> > 1. Everything you eat is savored in

> ginger, garlic, onion and

> >tomatoes.

> > 2. You try and reuse gift wrappers,

> gift boxes, and of course

> >aluminum foil.

> > 3. You try to eject food particles

> from between your teeth by

> >pressing

> > your tongue against them and making a

> peculiar noise like,

> >'tshick,' 'tshick.

> > 4. You are standing next to the two

> largest size suitcases at

> >the Airport.

> > 5. You arrive one or two hours late

> to a party - and think

> >its normal.

> >

> > 6. You peel the stamps off letters

> that the Postal Service

> >missed to mark up.

> > 7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.

> > 8. You name your children in rhythms

> (example, Honey & Money,

> >Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam.)

> > 9. All your children have pet names,

> which sound nowhere

> >close to their real names.

> > 10. You take Indian snacks anywhere

> it says "No Food Allowed"

> >

> > 11. You talk for an hour at the front

> door when leaving

> >someone's house.

> > 12. You load up the family car with

> as many people as

> >possible.

> > 13. You use plastic to cover anything

> new in your house

> >whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new

> couch.

> > 14. Your parents tell you not to care

> what your friends

> >think, but they won't let you do certain things

> because of what the other

> > "Uncles and Aunties" will think.

> > 15. You buy and display crockery,

> which is for special

> >occasions, which never happen.

> >

> > 16. You have a vinyl table clothe on

> your kitchen table.

> > 17. You use grocery bags to hold

> garbage.

> > 18. You keep leftover food in your

> fridge in as many numbers

> >of bowls as possible.

> > 19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam

> jars, varieties of

> >bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some

> household items).

> > 20. You carry a stash of your own

> food whenever you travel

> >(and travel means any car ride longer than 15

> minutes).

> >

> > 21. You own a rice cooker or a

> pressure cooker.

> > 22. You fight over who pays the

> dinner bill.

> > 23. You majored in engineering,

> medicine or law and now...are

> >after

> > Software and only Software no matter

> which field you belong

> >to.

> > 24. You live with your parents and

> you are 40 years old. (And

> >they prefer it that way).

> >

> > 25. You don't use measuring cups when

> cooking.

> > 26. You feel like you've gotten a

> good deal if you didn't pay

> >tax.

> > 27. You never learnt how to stand in

> a queue.

> > 28. You can only travel if there are

> 5 persons at least to

> >see you off or receive you whether you are

> traveling by bus, train or

> >plane.

> > 29. If she is NOT your daughter, you

> always take interest in

> >knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and

> feel proud to spread it

> >at the velocity of more than the speed of light.

> >

> > 30. You only make long distance calls

> after 11 p.m.

> > 31. If you don't live at home, when

> your parents call, they

> >ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

> > 32. You call an older person you

> never met before "uncle."

> > 33. When your parents meet strangers

> and talk for a few

> >minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant

> cousin.

> > 34. Your parents don't realize phone

> connections to foreign

> >countries have improved in the last two decades,

> and still scream at the

> >top of their lungs when making foreign calls.

> >

> > 35. You have bed sheets on your sofas

> so as to keep them from

> >getting dirty.

> > 36. When dining out, you think Rs 10

> is enough of a tip.

> > 37. It's embarrassing if your wedding

> has less than 600

> >people.

> > 38. You list your daughter as "fair

> and slim" in the

> >matrimonial no matter what she looks like.

> > 39. You treat the NRI persons

> (especially from America) as if

> >they are the only persons living in this world

> (including YOU).

> > 40. You've seen the ground while

> inside the lavatory of a

> >train.

> >

> > 41. All your tupperware is stained

> with food color.

> > 42. You have drinking glasses made of

> steel.

> > 43. You have mastered the art of

> bargaining in shopping.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

HOW IT ALL BEGAN:

DADDY HOW WAS I BORN?

CHARLIE SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born?"

DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!"

shashichief · 1st Moderator

CHRISTMAS WISHES:

Little Johnny has a swearing problem and his father is fed up, so he decides to go to a shrink to solve the problem.

He tells the shrink, "My son has a problem with foul language. Can you suggest anything?"

The shrink quickly replies, "Well Christmas is coming up, so I say, leave a pile of dog poop instead of what he really wants."

The father gets home and Johnny says to him, "When I wake up on Christmas, I want to wake up to a goddamn teddy bear. When I go downstairs, I want to see a goddamn train circling around the goddamn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a goddamn bicycle leaning against the goddamn garage."

Christmas morning arrives. Johnny wakes up and rolls over a pile of dog pooh. Confused, he goes downstairs and sees a big pile of dog pooh under the tree. He then goes to look outside and sees another pile of dog pooh next to the garage.

The father comes downstairs and asks, "So, what'd Santa leave you?"

Johnny responds, "I think I got a goddamn dog but I can't find the son of a bitch!"

shashichief · 1st Moderator

MESSAGE FROM SANTA:

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have, I will tell my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with a VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves, and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird crap.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation, and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get things together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your butts down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.

Merry Christmas,

Santa