Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: Tell funniest jokes ever heard

shashichief · 1st Moderator

A Visit To Rome

A man walks into Joe's Barbershop for his regular haircut. As Joe snips away, he asks, "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain that he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"Rome?!?" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!?" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says, "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump?!?" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says, "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite," explains the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after five minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"

shashichief · 1st Moderator

A Hole Behind

> A man playing on a new golf course got confused as
> to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead
> of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew
> what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the
> 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must
> be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to
> his golf game.
> Later on, the same thing happened and he approached
> the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm
> on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must
> be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
> He finished his round and went into the club house
> and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He
> went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to
> show my appreciation for your help."
> He started a conversation and asked her what kind of
> work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said
> he was in sales also.
> He asked what she sold. She replied, "If I told you,
> you would only laugh."
> "No, I wouldn't," he said.
> She said, "I sell tampons."
> With that he fell on the floor laughing
> hysterically. She said, "See, I knew you would
> laugh."
> "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm
> a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole
> behind you."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

A Little Old Woman.

Defense Attorney: "What's your age?"
Little Old Woman: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you?"
Little Old Woman: "I was sitting there in my swing on the porch, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Woman: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat next to you?"
Little Old Woman: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Woman: "No."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "It felt good. Nobody had touched me that way since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "He rubbed my breasts."
Defense attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Woman: "No, I did not."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "Why, your honor, his rubbing made me feel alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "I was feeling so spicy, I just spread my old legs and said 'take me young man, take me.'"
Defense attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Woman: "Hell no, that's when he yelled 'April Fools!' and that's when I shot the son of a bitch!!!"

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Nursing Home.

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her there, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and seat her by a window overlooking a flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once again bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

Every Woman's Dream

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection that causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5,000 in cash."