For about 10 years, Wal-Mart has been featuring its employees and their families as models in its advertising fliers. The department store chain saves money and gives some regular folks a chance at a little glory and fame. Imagine yourself in a Wal-Mart flier, wearing a pair of $10 denim shorts from China, smiling like you just won an Academy Award. You’d be the envy of your neighborhood. They may even organize a parade for you.
But aside from the obvious goodwill created by the Wal-Mart program, there’s a more significant benefit for society. I realized this recently while thumbing through a flier, gazing at models such as Sheila, manager of the garden center, and Vanessa, sister of Florinda, assistant manager. I’m so used to seeing professional models and found myself thinking, "Oh my goodness. I can’t believe it. Some of these women have hips."
I actually thought that hips were out of style. Professional models, even those in department store fliers, haven’t had hips since at least 1964. And as their hips disappeared, that extra weight somehow moved all the way up to their chests.
It’s amazing the type of body you can create through the delicate combination of plastic surgery and starvation. Some models today are so skinny, they’d probably gain a few pounds just by kissing, say, Bill Clinton. A few pounds and a few nice gifts.
I don’t know about you, but an emaciated body is not my idea of attractive. If I were dating such a woman, I wouldn’t be able to eat. I’d feel too guilty.
Of course, models aren’t the only women who desperately need to be fed. I keep picturing Sally Struthers in a new television ad, saying, "Please take a few moments to think about all the people who are starving to death, while you’re having your 13th slice of pizza. For just 70 cents a day, the cost of a cup of coffee, you can help feed some of them. If you call right now and pledge just $21 a month, we’ll send a few life-saving snacks to the starving women on the television show ‘Friends.’ Please call 1-800-FEED-A-BABE."
I’d be the first to call. I’d pledge not just my money, but also my energy. Yes, if given the chance, I’d be willing to feed Jennifer Aniston personally. That’s how much I care about eradicating world hunger.
Have you seen Aniston and her co-star Courtney Cox Arquette recently? They’re wasting away. Who’s in charge of feeding them? Ally McBeal?
If this continues, medical students will be able to watch "Friends" just to study the movements of the human skeleton. "Oh my gosh," the male students will say. "Jennifer Aniston has such a cute fibula! Look at the way it stretches across her tibia. That woman has such sexy bones."
This is a serious situation and not just because some of these actresses may collapse in hunger. These stars are role models to teen-age and preteen girls who could develop eating disorders while trying to emulate their idols. They’re getting the wrong message from television and advertising, a message that says, "It’s cool to look like a stick. You’ll be attractive to men and you’ll never have to spend another cent on X-rays."
Teen-age girls would be better off looking through a Wal-Mart flier. They’d see what typical women look like. They have hips and you can’t see their bones. And you know what? They look just fine.
Please take a number. I’m not Regis Philbin or Ed McMahon, but I can still help you. I can share the secrets of becoming an instant millionaire in America.
There are only four proven methods of earning wealth overnight:
(1) Playing the lottery. It just takes a dollar or two to get started and, if you’re really serious about it, you can make your entire paycheck disappear. Of course, the chances of winning the lottery are equal to the chances of Dan Quayle becoming president. But that hasn't stopped him.
(2) Suing someone. It's one of the wonders of the legal system. If you're creative, you can sue someone for almost anything that goes wrong in your life. Can’t lose weight? Sue your grocery store for stocking Spam. Can’t go to bed before midnight? Sue Jay Leno for being so entertaining. Can’t get a job? Sue Burger King for requiring you to comb your hair.
(3) Starting your own Internet company and going public. First you need to create a catchy name for your company’s web site. Priceline.com is taken, but you could start an online soup kitchen for Asians with Riceline.com. Newsweek.com is taken, but you could start a Larry King celebrity site with Newsgeek.com. Hotjobs.com is taken, but you could start a Mafia recruitment site with Hitjobs.com. The next step is to go public, selling shares in your company to anyone who’s crazy enough to buy. This is known as an IPO (Increasing Prosperity Overnight). Your company may end up losing millions of dollars, but don't worry -- you’ll be too rich to care.
(4) Making your own low-budget scary movie in the woods. It worked for the producers of "Blair Witch Project" and it can work for you. All you need is a video camera and three friends who know how to scream. Acting ability not required. The less you spend, the more you’ll make in profits, so try to avoid luxuries like costumes, special effects, and scripts.
If none of these get-rich-quick schemes work, don’t worry. You don’t need all that money anyway. Whether you realize it or not, you’re already quite wealthy. Your net worth is immeasurable.
No, I haven’t been drinking. And I haven’t been partying with George W. Bush. I’m just trying to measure wealth in a more accurate way.
Take your health, for example. If you somehow contracted a deadly disease, what would you give up to regain your health? Every single penny you own -- and maybe even your color TV.
What about your darling children and doting parents? How much are they worth to you? Certainly more than the microwave. Perhaps even the computer.
If you really think about it, you'd be willing to give up everything you own to get your children back from a kidnapper. Heck, you may even be willing to car pool.
And what about your significant other? You wouldn't trade him or her for anything less than a Lexus. And fully loaded, too.
Then, of course, there's your freedom. You take it for granted, but just try spending a few days in a country where you can’t make an insulting joke about the president. You'd be in prison faster than you can say, "Lewinsky."
So be careful. While you’re searching for all that money, you may be overlooking things that are worth a whole lot more.
