SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

BEATING THE PANTS OFF THE OPPOSITE SEX

As a father of a girl, I'm thrilled that women's sports
are growing in popularity. I enjoy watching women's tennis
more than men's and, in case you're wondering, it has
nothing to do with the short skirts. I'd feel the same way
even if Roger Federer shaved his legs and slipped into a
mini.

I'm glad my daughter will grow up watching some great
female athletes on TV and perhaps be inspired to push
themselves athletically. My daughter is only seven and
her biggest athletic accomplishment so far is dancing as in ballet . She isn't yet strong enough to swing a racket, though
she's highly skilled at making one.

I hope my daughterwill see men and women competing against
each other more often. We've already had a taste of it,
thanks to racecar driver Danica Patrick, golfer Michelle
Wie, and track and field athlete Samukeliso Sithole. Patrick
and Wie have performed impressively against men, gaining
praise from most observers, while Sithole won a handful of
medals against the opposite sex, though for some strange
reason nobody is raving about his accomplishment. The man
outperformed a group of female athletes and The New York
Times didn't put him on the front page. What's a guy to do?

Sithole posed as a woman and represented Zimbabwe
in a couple of international meets, looking like the next
Jackie Joyner-Kersee, but with a far less alluring smile.
I'm not sure how the authorities discovered Sithole was a
man, but perhaps it was all that biceps-flexing on the medal
stand. Or maybe they grew suspicious when they saw that
upraised toilet seat. Or perhaps it was an alert customs
officer who spotted a clue, wondering what was being
smuggled under that skirt.

Customs agent: "Excuse me, madam, did you store a package
there?"

Sithole: "Oh, don't worry about that. That's where I hide my
medals. Too many thieves around."

However the truth came out, Sithole was soon facing serious
charges, not just for impersonating a woman, but also for
watching a female athlete undress in his presence. As
reported by Reuters, a court in central Zimbabwe sentenced
him to four years in prison. But there's a bright ending to
this story: Sithole's new cellmates are showing far more
appreciation than the outside world for his
female-impersonation skills. And he's getting to do a lot
more running.

Unlike Sithole, Patrick and Wie don't have to disguise
themselves to compete against the opposite sex, partly
because it's widely believed that women possess no special
advantage over men in sports, never mind that it takes only
a twitch of a pretty eye to distract a man. One moment he's
in the lead at the Indianapolis 500, the next moment he's
crashing into the wall.

My wife argues that women are better than men in some
aspects of sports. It's also worth remembering that most
sports were invented by men and suited to their strengths.
Football, for example, is ideal for men because, as any
woman who's been to a bar knows, men are good at making
passes.

If women had invented sports, the rules would be quite
different:

Basketball: You'd still be required to shoot for a basket,
but before you can do so, you'd have to weave it.

Golf: You'd still have to putt the ball yourself, but you'd
be allowed to get a man to do the driving for you, so you
can sit beside him and criticize him.

Soccer: The field would be the same length, but instead of
having a goalkeeper at each end, you'd have a storekeeper.
If you kick the ball past her, you can spend a few minutes
shopping for shoes. The team with the most shoes wins.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

THE DIAPER CRIME WE NEED TO SOLVE

Police in northeast England are searching for a man who's
been approaching women late at night and asking, "Are there
any baby-changing facilities around here?" It's a question
parents ask all the time, but what concerns police is the
man's attire: He's been wearing only a diaper.

As I often warn my two children: "You'd better not run
around in just a diaper or the police will come after you."
The police take diaper offenses very seriously, as well they
should. The public must be protected at all costs, even if
it means hiring more officers for the DEA (Diaper
Enforcement Agency).

Diapers (or nappies) are like underwear: Exposing them to
the public is not a good idea, unless you're a teen-ager
trying to make a fashion statement.

The British man is perhaps trying to make a statement
himself. While his behavior may seem strange, it's possible
that he's just trying to draw attention to the lack of
baby-changing facilities in England and other parts of the
world, a far more serious crime than he's committed. Indeed,
parents and babies may have just found their own superhero.
Forget about Superman, here comes Diaperman! He'll get to
the bottom of every diaper crime.

Restaurants and other places may find it easy to ignore the
needs of babies, but they can't ignore Diaperman. He won't
just make them install a diaper-changing station, he'll even
break it in.

TV reporter: "I'm here at Burger King, where Diaperman is
about to break in a new diaper-changing station."

Crack!

Restaurant manager: "Hey, you were supposed to break it in.
Not break it!"

Diaperman: "I'm sorry, but you need to invest in something
stronger. It's not just babies who need their diapers
changed, you know."

As parents of two diaper-wearing kids, my wife and I would
be pleased to have Diaperman on our side. Far too often,
we've had to change the kids in the cramped space of our
car. This seemed fine to me the first time, but that was
before my wife pointed out I'd wrapped the diaper around the
gear stick. Every time I shifted gears, the baby squealed.

If it isn't the gear stick getting in the way, it's the
child safety seats. There's so little room in the car and to
make matters worse, people look at me strangely when I get
on the roof. Isn't that where you're supposed to go when
you're trying to fix a leak?

It would be easier if we could just go into a restroom at a
restaurant and use a diaper-changing station, but such
conveniences are rare, making me wonder if restaurant owners
are trying to keep families with babies away, tired of
having to put "WET FLOOR" signs everywhere.

Faced with a bulging diaper, we've had to ponder various
options:

---Changing the baby on a table or chair when the waitress
isn't looking. This might work well, but what if there's a
smell? What if other customers want what we're having?

---Changing the baby on the floor of a restroom. This might
work well, but we'd then have to give the baby a bath in the
sink -- and that would mean another diaper change. It's a
vicious cycle.

---Changing the baby on the front counter of a bank. This
might work well, but we'd probably need to open an account
there.

Bank teller: "Can I help you make a deposit or withdrawal
today?"

Me: "Well, my daughter has just made a deposit, so perhaps
you can help me with the withdrawal."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

SO MUCH TO LEARN ABOUT CANADA

Shortly after his appointment as America's new ambassador to
Canada, David Wilkins, former South Carolina legislator, was
asked during a CBC interview if he had been to Canada
before. "Many years ago, when I was in the Army stationed in
Indiana, my wife and I visited Canada," he replied.

"Oh yes, where did you go?" asked the interviewer,
pleasantly surprised that Wilkins had ventured that far
North.

"Well ... uh ... it was ... uh ... round the ... uh ... the
Falls area ... uh ... Niagara Falls, back up in there around
that area, as well as ... uh ... going I guess back West
toward Indiana. But obviously above Indiana. But I'd have to
get out a map to tell you all."

Wilkins, who had been a major fundraiser for President Bush
in South Carolina, apparently couldn't name any Canadian
provinces. But give the new ambassador credit. He did manage
to say "Niagara Falls."

He's probably an expert on Canada compared to most
Americans, many of whom know as much about their northern
neighbor as they do about Venus. (The tennis player as well
as the planet.) While Canadians receive a daily diet of
American news through their media, only a handful of
Americans could name the Canadian prime minister -- the ones
who gather intelligence for the CIA. (His name is Ricky
Martin. Sorry, Paul Martin.)

To help everyone learn more about Canada, let's play a game
of "True or False."

True or false: There's so much snow in Canada year-round,
the country has started exporting it.

False: Canada exports snow only in the winter. The snow
leaves Canada atop tractor-trailers bound for America. In
return, America allows Canada to have one NBA team.

True or false: The average Canadian man is so crazy about
ice hockey, he will watch it for hours at a time, even if he
has no beer.

True: If you visit the average Canadian home, you will find
three bottles of beer and 12 hockey sticks. The ice rink is
in the backyard.

True or false: Most Canadians speak two languages, English
and French.

False: If you travel around Toronto, you will quickly learn
that many Canadians speak only one language: Chinese. While
French and English are the official languages, you'll need
to be multilingual to communicate in every restaurant. And
you'd better not eat that meat-and-vegetable dish, if all
you asked for was some horseradish.

True or false: Canada abounds with moose. To go moose
hunting, Canadians just have to go into their backyards,
find a moose and hit it with a hockey stick.

False: Moose are usually not found in people's backyards.
They tend to prefer the front yard. Canadian moose are quite
friendly and you can ask them to leave your yard, as long as
you have room in your home.

True or false: Canada provides free healthcare for all its
people, even the ones who don't get paid in stock options.

True: Canada takes care of its poor, partly through high
taxes. A poor man may suffer a heart attack, but it usually
happens before he gets the hospital bill.

True or false: Canadian motorists are required to turn on
their headlights during the day as a safety measure, just in
case there's a sudden eclipse.

Partly true: By law, Canadian cars are equipped with daytime
running lights. The law was passed by politicians who,
pursuing the ideals of the nation's founders, are trying to
make Canada the brightest country in the world.

True or false: Canada has produced one of the world's best
female singers.

True: Celine Dion, who performs regularly in Las Vegas, will
even tell you her name: Alanis Morissette.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RACING TO HELP KATRINA VICTIMS

It's a warm Texas morning and President Bush calls a press
conference to address growing concerns about Hurricane
Katrina.

Bush: "Thank you all for coming here today. Let me just say
that my administration is ready to swing into action
whenever New Orleans needs our help. I've asked the mayor to
call me as soon as Hurricane Katrina hits the shore, even if
I'm still on vacation."

Wolf Blitzer, CNN: "Mr. President, haven't you been watching
the news? Katrina hit New Orleans five days ago. The city is
flooded. Many people are homeless, desperate for food and
water. They're wondering why it's taking so long for the
government to send help."

Bush: "Hold on a minute, Wolf. I'll be right back."

The president returns after 10 minutes to address reporters
again.

Bush: "Thank you all for coming here today. Let me just say
that my administration is responding quickly to the tragic
situation in New Orleans and other parts of Mississippi. We
are calling this Operation Freedom From Water. I have
dispatched 10,000 National Guard troops to the affected
areas and they will arrive there as soon as they're done in
Iraq. We are also airlifting emergency supplies to New
Orleans, including food, water and American flags. I have
asked Congress to approve $10.5 billion in disaster aid,
while Vice President Cheney, acting with great urgency, has
awarded the first rebuilding contract to Halliburton."

Terry Moran, ABC: "Mr. President, thousands of people are
stranded in New Orleans, still waiting for help. Some are
wondering if America will help them or if they need to turn
to Mexico. Many are saying that the government has let them
down, that they're being treated like animals, not human
beings. What do you say to them?"

Bush: "Terry, this is America. We don't treat human beings
like animals. We treat animals like human beings. You may
not know this, but we've evacuated thousands of dogs and
cats. A number of Chihuahuas, too."

Moran: "But what about the people, Mr. President?"

Bush: "We care about the people, too. That's why we asked
everyone to evacuate before Katrina arrived. We asked them
to load their cars and drive out of the city. Well, I've
just been informed that some folks do not own cars. They
rely on something called 'public transportation.' I've asked
the Secretary of Transportation to look into it and see if
we can 'public transportation' these people out of New
Orleans and other parts of Mississippi."

Judy Keen, USA Today: "Mr. President, some of the
hardest-hit people are saying that race was a factor in the
government's response to the tragedy. Was race a factor?"

Bush: "Let me be frank with you, Judy: Race is always a
factor in responding to disasters. If we don't race, how can
we help people in time? We must race."

John Roberts, CBS: "Mr. President, some experts are saying
that your single-minded focus on fighting terrorism has
compromised the country's ability to handle natural
disasters. They say it made us more vulnerable to Hurricane
Katrina."

Bush: "Well, it made us less vulnerable to Hurricane Saddam.
And what about Hurricane Osama? I consider them natural
disasters, too, because it's in their nature to wish
disaster upon us. We should be naming hurricanes after
evildoers like them. If we did that, people would evacuate
faster. Do you think anyone would stick around to see if
they can survive Hurricane Hitler?"

shashichief · 1st Moderator

PUT YOUR FOOT ON THE ROAD, NOT ON THE GAS

If you're steamed about the price of gasoline, burning up
about spending your entire paycheck at the pump, it may be
time to change your driving habits. But first you need to
change your attitude about the people in the oil industry.
You need to stop thinking of them as greedy scoundrels and
start thinking of them as honest people just trying to make
a living, just trying to feed their families, clothe their
children and make the monthly payments on their yachts.
They're no different from you, really, aside from a couple
of extra zeros in their paychecks.

They would gladly lower the price of fuel, if not for a
number of uncontrollable factors. To get a better
understanding, I asked an oil company spokesman how the
price is determined and he said, "Well, it's really
complicated. We start with the supply of petroleum, how many
millions of barrels are available and at what price, then we
look at the potential demand on a particular day, then we
account for all the federal and state taxes, and finally we
factor in numerous variables, including the strength of the
economy, the consumer price index, the prime interest rate,
the amount of rainfall in Malawi and Oprah's dress size."

Instead of blaming the oil people, you need to gradually
reduce your dependence on gas. Here are a few suggestions:

---Walk. If you've never done it before, now is the time to
give it a shot. It requires a certain degree of balance and
coordination, so if you're feeling overwhelmed, you may want
to consider enrolling in a walking class. They will teach
you how to walk in three simple steps.

Step 1: Take a step.

Step 2: Take another step.

Step 3: Repeat Steps 1 and 2.

Of course, before you do any actual walking, you may want to
consult a doctor. The doctor will tell you if your body can
handle it or if you need to start with something less
challenging, such as standing on an escalator.

Once you've learned how to walk, you will enjoy a lot more
freedom. For example, you will no longer need to wait in
your car at the "drive-thru," tapping the steering wheel
impatiently and running your engine needlessly. You can
actually get out of your car, walk to the front door and
pick up your date.

Walking often provides an extra benefit: weight loss. Yes,
like Hugh Grant at a casino, the pounds will start dropping
off you. And you will find yourself using even less fuel
when you drive your car, because you won't be hauling around
such a huge load.

---Use public transportation. Buses, trains and streetcars
are great ways to travel, especially if you don't mind minor
inconveniences, such as having to sit next to people who are
different from you, people who don't have tickets to the
opera, but may just have tickets to Oprah.

The best thing about public transportation is that you can
do a lot of reading, not just books and newspapers, but
also tattoos. You need to be somewhat discreet, of course.
Otherwise the woman sitting next to you, noticing your gaze,
will turn her book the other way.

---Carpool. Try to share a ride with a co-worker or someone
who works in the vicinity. Perhaps you can find someone who
shares your taste in music, who has a good car stereo and
doesn't mind blasting Yanni.

Many cities have carpool lanes, allowing you to travel to
and from work faster. You'll be less stressed out when you
get home. And you'll be able to smile at the gas station,
knowing that you won't have to come back soon, that you
won't have to worry about the rainfall in Malawi.