SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

PUBLIC BREAST-FEEDING: DON'T HATE IT, EMBRACE IT

At some point, it's going to happen. My 15-month-old
daughter will grow up and relinquish her rights to
my wife's breasts. "It's all yours, Dad," she will say. "I'm
done."

Don't get me wrong: It's not like I'm eager or anything.
It's not like I'm putting up signs in our home that say,
"Cow's milk: It's udderly delicious." It's not like I'm
longing for the days when I could watch swimming on TV
without feeling nostalgic every time the announcer says,
"Coming up next: the breaststroke."

I really don't begrudge my daughter's breast attachment,
even if the word "monopoly" no longer makes me think of the
board game. I'm glad she's being breast-fed, I'm glad she's
enjoying it so much and I'm glad she's staying away from my
nipples. Yes, men do have nipples, the purpose of which was
unknown for thousands of years, until a group of college
students discovered, quite brilliantly, how easy it is to
hang rings from them.

If men produced milk, perhaps breast-feeding would be more
common, perhaps public breast-feeding would be widely
accepted. Just picture rap star 50 Cent on TV saying, "I
breast-feed everywhere I go: At the post office, in the
grocery store, even in the record studio. Nothing makes me
feel good like nursing my son, Dime."

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that women
breast-feed their babies for at least a year, though formula
can be introduced after the first six months and root beer
after the first six years.

About 70 percent of American women choose to breast-feed,
but more than two-thirds give up within six months,
according to the New York Times. That's partly because they
face various obstacles, not the least of which is the stigma
attached to public breast-feeding. Some people are
uncomfortable at the sight of a baby being breast-fed, the
same people who would simply turn their heads when they spot
two teen-agers going at it hot and heavy, locking their lips
and making more sucking sounds than the baby.

Some restaurants and other businesses even go to the extent
of asking breast-feeding moms to either shut the faucet off
or leave. "It's nothing against breast-feeding," Scotty
Stroup, a restaurant owner in Round Rock, Texas, told the
Times. "It's about exposing yourself for people who don't
want to see it." I'm not sure which breast-feeding moms he
has seen, but apparently one of them walked around the
restaurant with her breasts hanging out, offering to feed
everyone. "Come and get it. A shot of protein."

Truth is, most breast-feeding moms try to be discreet. An Indian woman always covers herself and turns away from people. She
doesn't want to put herself on display, doesn't want to hear
an announcement: "Attention shoppers. A woman is
breast-feeding in Aisle 5. Please do not run. There's plenty
of space around her."

I'm surprised more business owners don't welcome and
accommodate breast-feeding. The only restaurants that seem
to encourage breast-feeding are the ones that serve fried
chicken. Unfortunately my daughter doesn't run after
those breasts.

If you own a restaurant, it may make sense to divide it into
two sections. When women arrive, ask them their preference:
"Breast-feeding or non-breast-feeding." When men arrive, ask
them their preference, too: "Mask or binoculars."

-- Edited by shashichief at 13:39, 2005-06-14

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RIDING A GOAT TO SUCCESS

Take a look around you. What's your most prized possession?
Perhaps it's your high-speed computer, which allows you to
communicate with people all over the world, sometimes even
the ones in your home.

Perhaps it's your SUV, an all-terrain vehicle that offers
"pure driving pleasure." You've driven it deep into the
woods, it has driven you deep into debt.

Perhaps it's your new titanium golf clubs, endorsed by Tiger
Woods. They've allowed you to hit so many birdies, the darn
animal activists are after you.

If you have trouble deciding, it's probably because you own
a lot. A digital camera, a DVD player, a wireless,
Internet-ready toaster. A television in every room, even one
for the dog. Three sofa sets: one in the living room, one in
the basement and one in the formal room, in case Charles and
Camilla drop by. A wardrobe filled with dozens of shoes,
reminding you of the best dream you ever had, the one in
which you were a centipede.

Of course, you deserve everything you have. "I earned it,"
you tell everyone. "You should have seen how hard I worked
in all my jobs." So what if you were born into a privileged
family or country -- you deserved that, too. "I earned it,"
you tell everyone. "You should have seen how hard I worked
in my previous life."

Well, imagine for a moment that you live in a poor country
and own very little. Nothing but the roof over your head and
the shirt on your back. It's a second-hand shirt, which once
belonged to a tall American and is thankfully long enough to
cover the lower half of your body.

Now imagine also that you have a friend in a neighboring
hut. He doesn't own much either, but he does possess
something you don't: a goat. And what a fantastic animal it
is, producing several quarts of milk a day and enough manure
to fertilize the pumpkin patch. And best of all, this
wonderful animal eats almost anything -- grass, weeds,
shrubs -- even giving your friend his regular haircut.
Before you know it, you're suffering from a serious case of
goat envy.

"If only I had a goat," you tell yourself, "I wouldn't be
poor anymore. I could sell the milk, sell the offspring, and
fill my hut from top to bottom with shoes."

It may seem far-fetched that a goat can make a big
difference, but try telling that to Beatrice Biira. As a
child in Uganda, she couldn't afford to go to school, not
until her mother received a goat from Heifer International,
the charitable organization. Money from the goat's milk
enabled the family to send Beatrice to school, where she
worked hard and earned a scholarship to Connecticut College.
What a fantastic animal -- the goat, not Beatrice, though
she's a wonder herself. Not many people have ridden a
goat to America.

It helped that the goat produced offspring, becoming a dam.
The female parent of a four-legged animal is known as a dam,
the male parent a sire. If you live near a goat farm, you
probably already know this. You've probably heard the farmer
yell, "Hey, someone left the gate open again. The dam goats
are loose!"

As required by Heifer, Beatrice's family gave the goat's
first kid to another needy family, continuing the cycle of
giving. If you asked Beatrice whether you should buy
yourself another TV or give someone a goat, she might laugh
and say, "Well, I've watched American TV and let me tell
you, goats are more entertaining."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

THE OTHER SIDE OF GLAMOUROUS CAREERS

If there's one question adults love to ask children, it's
this: What do you want to be when you grow up? I asked my
three-year-old daughter and she said, "A musician."
She fell silent for a moment, as though she was
contemplating which instrument to play. And then she asked,
"Daddy, what do YOU want to be when you grow up?"

My parents asked me this question when I was a child and I
never thought I'd hear it again from my daughter. Back then,
I wanted to be a pilot or a police officer. I wanted to wear
a uniform, cruise around at great speeds, and carry people
to captivating destinations, such as the British Virgin
Islands or San Quentin State Prison.

My parents had other ideas, of course. They fancied a career
in medicine for me and called me "Dr. Mwangi." Mwangi is a
common name in Kenya, where I grew up, sort of like Jones
in England, Kim in Korea, and Bubba in Texas.

Coming from a poor country, my parents knew the importance
of health. That's why they wanted me to be a doctor -- so I
could have a healthy bank account.

Parents tend to be practical, though like my mom, they do
try to take their children's interests and talents into
account.

Me: "Mom, I really enjoy writing."

Mom: "That's good, son. As a doctor, you can write lots of
prescriptions."

Me: "But Mom, I'm also into humor."

Mom: "That's good, son. You can lift your patients' spirits
by telling jokes."

Me: "But Mom, I'd also like to perform, perhaps in a
theater."

Mom: "That's good, son. You can perform surgery in an
operating theater."

Children are often drawn to the glamour or excitement of
certain professions, not realizing that there's another side
to them. I'll try to explain this to Lekha someday.

Daughter: "Dad, I want to be a model. I can wear nice clothes,
tons of make-up, and appear on the cover of every magazine
except 'Playgirl.' Then I can get a cooking show on the Food
Network and marry a famous author like Salman Rushdie."

Me: "You want to be a model? Okay, but you're really going
to miss some things that your friends do, such as eating.
And you may have to undergo plastic surgery to have your
hips and thighs removed. You may also need breast implants.
And you'll have to exercise three times a day, partly to
lose every ounce of fat and partly to strengthen your back
so you don't tip over."

Daughter: "Oh, I didn't think about all that. Maybe I'll be an
actress instead. I can star in blockbuster movies, earn
millions of dollars and make Oprah go gah-gah over me."

Me: "An actress? Okay, but you'd better say goodbye to your
privacy. The media will hound you, wanting to know every
detail of your life: what food you eat, what books you read,
what toilet paper you use. Your fans won't leave you alone
either. They'll trouble you for autographs everywhere you
go, even in the ladies room."

Daughter: "That sounds great, Dad! Thanks for convincing me.
Acting school, here I come!"

Whatever my daughter chooses to do, I'll try to encourage
her, as long as she has talent and is willing to work hard.
And as long as she promises to help ME find a good career.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

SHEDDING SOME LIGHT ON AFRICA

In my ongoing quest to get Americans to visit the rest of
the world, I decided to answer a series of questions about
the continent I grew up in, which some people still refer to
as Darkest Africa.

Question: I am thinking of going on a mission trip to Kenya,
but my mother is against it, because she was watching the
National Geographic channel the other day and found out that
there are lions there. Is that true and how do I protect
myself? -- Mike, New York.

Answer: Yes, there are lions in Kenya and most of them, as
your mother may have told you, are big and hungry. Now you
know why Kenyans are such good runners. You can protect
yourself by wearing a good pair of running shoes and always
carrying a spear. It's also wise to travel with a companion,
preferably one who's slower than you. I don't mean to scare
you, but most lions in Kenya are tired of eating local
people and consider foreigners a delicacy. So please give
your mother a big hug before you leave. And don't forget to
write a will.

Q: My company has offered me a short stint in Zimbabwe.
Before I accept, I have a couple of questions. Does Zimbabwe
have any cities? What about electricity? -- Luther,
Maryland.

A: There are no cities in Zimbabwe, only villages. Harare is
the capital village. There's no electricity either, just
something called electrivillage. Don't worry: It will
provide enough light for your hut, as long as you remember
to fill it up regularly with fireflies.

Q: My husband and I are traveling to Somalia next month. Do
they accept credit cards there or should we carry cash? --
Jennifer, North Carolina.

A: Neither. Your best bet is to carry lots of shells. You
can buy them at a crafts store or collect them at the beach.
Five hundred shells will get you a room in a decent hotel,
but if you want to stay in a first-class one, you'll
probably have to shell out more.

Q: My friends and I will be visiting South Africa soon, but
would also like to see the magnificent Victoria Falls in
Zambia. Can we travel there by air? -- Josh, Washington.

A: Yes, you can certainly travel by air. Just get on a tree
and keep swinging. You'll be there in no time. And you're
right: the Victoria Falls is magnificent. It's like the
Niagara on Viagra.

Q: I'm going to be spending two years in Uganda as a Peace
Corps volunteer. I will have plenty of work during the day,
but I'm not sure how to spend my nights. What do Ugandans do
for entertainment? -- Donna, Connecticut.

A: Ugandans are just like other Africans. They entertain
themselves by sitting in a circle around a fire and singing
"Kumbaya." In some remote villages, they may even tell jokes
about any foreigner in their midst. But if they start
calling the event a "roast," be prepared to run.

Q: I am hoping to visit Namibia in a few months. Just
wondered if I should take my cell phone with me. Will I be
able to communicate with it? -- Nathan, Indiana.

A: You will certainly be able to communicate with it. Just
use the buttons to make clicking sounds. Here's the key: one
click means 'I come in peace,' two clicks mean 'Take me to
your leader,' and three clicks mean 'No, I am not edible.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

THAT'S NO POTATO ON THE COUCH

British potato farmers are miffed about the term "couch
potato" and want it removed from the Oxford English
Dictionary. They believe that the term, which originated as
American slang, has hurt the reputation of the potato
industry. And they're absolutely right, especially when you
consider how much damage the term "lazy butt" caused to the
cigarette industry. And let's not forget the
expression "chill out," which almost ruined the sauna
industry.

"Couch potato" has caused immeasurable harm, not only to
innocent potato farmers everywhere but also to
couch-dwelling men like me. So what if we spend countless
hours on our backs watching TV -- that doesn't give anyone
the right to compare us to a vegetable. We are living,
breathing human beings, capable of deep thought and
occasional movement. Just try to grab the remote and you'll
see.

Being compared to a vegetable is downright scary. First they
call you a vegetable and the next thing you know, they're
having a national debate on whether to keep you alive.

Democrat: "Look how unresponsive he is, particularly during
football games. Just the other day, when he didn't respond
to his wife's calls, she had no choice but to perform CPR on
him. She finally managed to detect a pulse, but only in the
finger touching the remote. Doctors have diagnosed him with
irreversible couch potatoitis. He's just a vegetable hooked
to a tube. He can't survive without the boob tube. His wife
is reluctant to unplug it, but believes it's the right thing
to do, especially since it would free up valuable couch
space."

Republican: "I can't believe what I'm hearing. This man is
so full of life. Look at the way his eyes widen when a
cheerleader appears on the screen. And what about his
tongue -- it's been hanging out ever since Janet Jackson
performed at the Super Bowl. You might argue that he's
unable to pull it back in, but I say that he's a man who
loves to taste life."

Democrat: "How can you taste life when you're lying on a
couch all day? You have to move around to experience life,
you have to be willing to stick your head above your feet.
Couch potatoes like him have given up on their own lives and
are surviving on other people's lives through the tube.
They're like parasites, but with fewer motor skills."

To prevent such drama, I've decided to speak out on behalf
of all self-respecting couch-dwellers everywhere. We
strongly support the British potato farmers' bid to have
"couch potato" removed from the Oxford English Dictionary.
In fact, we believe this offensive term should be banned not
only from public speech but also from the lips of wives and
girlfriends. Anyone using this term should be given the
couch potato treatment. They should be strapped to a couch
and pelted with potatoes.

We'd like to suggest a few better terms that can be used to
describe us: horizontal human, couch slouch and sofa loafer.

We'd also like to encourage everyone to use the word
"potato" in a positive manner, the way potato farmers do.

Farmer Brown: "We farmers move around a lot, but not as much
as the actress Angelina Jolie. She's such an active potato."

Farmer Jones: "I heard she adopted an orphan from Ethiopia.
What a caring potato!"

Farmer Hefner: "Yeah, but did you see the pictures of her
sunbathing on the beach in her bikini? Man, I've never seen
such nice potatoes."