SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

IT'S SO EASY TO BE A CRITIC

I've read only one of his books, but John
Grisham is among my favorite authors.
That's because my 67-year-old mom, who
hardly reads anything but religious books,
recently discovered Grisham and
absolutely loves his novels. Next to Billy
Graham, he is THE MAN.

She appreciates Grisham's simple
language and riveting plot. She has so
much trouble putting his books down, I
worry that she'll forget to take her
medication. If she collapses, the
ambulance staff would have to wrestle
Grisham's book out of her hands. "The
Firm" would have to be extricated from
"The Infirm."

I tried to get my mom to read a critically
acclaimed book by an East Indian author,
but she refused. "Indian writers use too
many big words," she said. She wanted to
keep her nose in a novel, not the dictionary.

Though Grisham's books have entertained
millions, the critics sometimes rip them for
lacking literary quality. Grisham may never
go down as one of the great authors of our
time, but after seeing how much pleasure
he has brought my mom, all I can say to the
critics is this: You try to do better.

And if you can't, stop bashing Grisham.
Because if you don't, you may get a visit
from my angry mom. She'll set you straight.
After she's through with you, the only thing
you'll be criticizing is the size of your
hospital bill.

It's so easy to be a critic. It's much harder
to actually do something, especially since
you have to put up with some annoying
people: critics.

I was reminded of this recently when I
visited a county agricultural fair and
watched the Fair Queen contest. One of the
contestants had a learning disability and
wasn't as graceful or articulate as some of
the others. But her courage was touching
and inspiring. I was disappointed to see a
group of girls snickering every time she
walked on stage. Perhaps they could have
done better, but they apparently didn't have
the guts to try. They were as close to being
Fair Queens as some other contestants at
the fair -- the ones in the goat show. The
goats weren't too articulate, but they were
definitely more graceful.

The next evening, I watched my friend Ami
compete in the karaoke contest. "Karaoke"
is a Japanese word meaning "I'm going to
try to sing, so please stuff a rice cake in
your ears!"

About 30 singers competed in the karaoke
contest. All were amateurs, which means
they don't get paid to sing, though I would
have gladly paid a few of them NOT to sing.

Some seemed really professional as they
belted out their songs, while others should
have just been belted.

One man sounded like a young John
Denver, while another sounded like an old
John Deere tractor.

One woman tried to imitate the Backstreet
Boys, but sounded more like Backstreet
Noise.

But it's so easy to be a critic.

That's why I didn't laugh, I didn't snicker. I
just listened and applauded. I knew that I
couldn't have done better. I wouldn't be
Master P -- I'd be Disaster D.

If I had started singing, the entire audience
would have run away. Even my mother, if
she were there, would have dashed off.

She'd be racing home to begin the next
John Grisham novel.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

EXTRA POINTS FOR A TIMELY LOSS

I was a child in Kenya when the Chinese leader Mao Tse-tung
died and I cried for an entire week. That's how long they
cancelled all the TV shows.

When it came to making people feel sad, the government sure
knew how to do it. They even played gloomy music on TV and
radio, and made me fear that they'd soon come around to
confiscate all my toys.

Death really shouldn't be so unpleasant. Perhaps more
countries should learn from India. When a top leader dies,
the government tries to comfort children in the best way
possible: They cancel school. If you see a bunch of kids at
the amusement park on a school day, try not to disturb them.
They're probably in mourning. Hey, you grieve in your way,
let them grieve in theirs.

If children can be so distraught over the death of a
prominent politician, imagine their despair at losing
someone they've actually heard of. It's important for
teachers to keep that in mind. If Bobby just lost a
relative, you can lessen his suffering instantly by giving
him the day off school. But if you really want him to feel
better, why not give him a few extra points on the final
exam?

I've had an exam postponed because of a relative's death,
but my teachers never gave me extra points, so hardhearted
were they. British teachers seem to be more caring. As
reported by the French Press Agency (AFP), students taking a
GSCE or A-level exam in England can be awarded a maximum of
five extra percent if they recently lost a parent or close
family member, four percent for a more distant relative.
Four percent may not seem like a lot, but it could lighten a
student's misery, especially the misery of a 'D.'

Johnny: "I'm so lucky. My uncle died and left me his stamp
collection."

Bobby: "That's nothing. My uncle died and left me a 'C.'"

When it comes to these pre-college exams, timing has never
been more important.

Mother: "Bobby, I heard you visited Uncle Wilbur in the
hospital and he's taken a turn for the worse. What did you
say to him?"

Bobby: "I just told him that if he's going to die, I'd
really appreciate it if he didn't wait too long. My exam is
this Friday."

A relative's death can hurt your preparation for an exam,
but so can the loss of a pet. That's why the official exam
guidelines, as composed by England's Joint Council for
Qualification, allow you to get two extra percent if your
pet dies on exam day, one point if it dies the day before.
Now you know why Rover, the old and sickly mutt, is suddenly
the most popular dog at the animal shelter. If he doesn't
pass the test, at least you will. Of course, there are
easier ways to get those points.

Teacher: "Johnny, you say that Humphrey died on the morning
of the exam. Who's Humphrey?"

Johnny: "Uh ... Humphrey is my goldfish. He died by
accident. Yes, I accidentally flushed him down the toilet."

Some students will settle for two points, others will try
hard for five.

Mother: "My son is a genius. He's going to do well on his
A-level exams."

Friend: "Really? How can you be so sure?"

Mother: "Well, just look at the brilliant names he picked
for his pets. He calls his dog 'Uncle Wilbur' and his cat
'Aunt Judy.'"

shashichief · 1st Moderator

QUESTIONS THAT PROBE YOUR HEART

I've been looking through an interesting book called "The
Book of Questions," in which Dr. Gregory Stock poses more
than 400 questions that help you explore your values, morals
and beliefs. Some are fairly simple questions that you
already know the answers to, such as "Do you ever spit or
pick your nose in public?" Others are questions that really
test your values, such as "Would you be willing to reduce
your life expectancy by twenty years to become Oprah's
dog?"

I changed the last question slightly, but I haven't changed
any of the following. I'm just going to answer them:

Question: If you were at a friend's house for Thanksgiving
dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what
would you do?

Answer: I'd do the only ethical and moral thing: pick
up the cockroach discreetly and toss it onto my friend's
plate. That way, I won't embarrass my friend and I'd also be
doing what all religions teach us to do: share.

Q: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,
would you change anything about the way you are now living?

A: Yes, I would give up exercise, eat more junk food and
smoke five packs a day. I might even cheat on my wife,
knowing that I won't die for another year.

Q: What do you most strive for in your life: accomplishment,
security, love, power, excitement, knowledge or something
else?

A: I used to strive for many things, but now that I have two
young children, I strive for only two things: peace and
quiet.

Q: If you had to spend the next two years inside a small but
fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person,
whom would you like to have with you?

A: Halle Berry, of course. I would have picked my wife, but
I don't want to be selfish: Who would take care of our
children?

Q: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to
communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not
having told someone?

A: I would regret not having told my wife and children that
I truly love and appreciate my car and they'd better not
touch it.

Q: For $20,000 would you go for three months without
washing, brushing your teeth or using deodorant?

A: Yes, I would. But how much are you going to pay the
neighbors?

Q: Would you be willing to give up sex for one year if you
knew it would give you a much deeper sense of peace than you
have now?

A: No, but I'd be willing to give up peace for a year.

Q: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire.
After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to
safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it
be?

A: That's easy: my Indian passport. If there's anything
worse than watching your house on fire, it's spending a day
at the Indian embassy. A friend of mine walked in with a
full head of hair and walked out with a bald spot. I really
felt bad for her.

Q: If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose,
would you?

A: I can't think of any particular person I'd want to hurt.
But I'd definitely take the doll with me the next time I go
to the embassy

shashichief · 1st Moderator

CRYING ALL THE WAY TO THE PUB

It may not come as a surprise to you, but the British aren't
laughing as much as they used to. It's truly a sad state of
affairs, considering the British have long been on the
forefront of laughter, giving us such comedic geniuses as
P.G. Wodehouse, Douglas Adams, and Mr. Bean. And let's not
forget the mischievous Benny Hill, who put his talented
hands into hundreds, perhaps thousands, of skirts. I mean,
skits.

Hill would be rolling in his grave if he saw the recent
laughter study, conducted by the cruise company Ocean
Village. It found that Britons are laughing an average of
only six minutes a day, which, by sheer coincidence, is also
the amount of time they spend reading about Charles and
Camilla.

Of course, six minutes may seem like a lot, especially if
you work at the immigration office, where even smiling is
forbidden. But Britons laughed three times as much in the
1950s, a healthy 18 minutes a day, according to Amanda Bate
of Ocean Village. They laughed at home, they laughed at
work, they even laughed at the proctologist's office. "Stop
it, Dr. Bhatt! That tickles!"

"The findings of this study show a worrying trend towards
glumness," Bate told the French Press Agency. Indeed, on
special occasions in London, you may even spot Queen
Elizabeth leading children in a popular song: "If you're
glum and you know it, clap your hands!"

The study showed that about 40 percent of Britons don't even
get one belly laugh a day on average.

London woman: "What's a belly laugh? Can't say I've heard of
it."

Husband: "It's what Americans do. They see someone with a
big belly and they laugh at them."

So why are the British not laughing much? It depends on whom
you ask.

American comedian: "I'm not surprised the Brits aren't
laughing. Have you ever watched a British comedy? LOL!
Laughing out little."

British comedian: "Well, have you ever watched an American
comedy? LOL! Leaving out laughter."

American: "Oh, get real, man. Even our politicians are
funnier than yours."

Briton: "That's true, old chap. George Bush has a funnier
face than Tony Blair."

Ask a historian about the laughter decline and her theory
will be slightly different: "The British used to laugh a
lot, but that was during the days of the British Empire,
when they controlled the world. When they found diamonds in
South Africa, they laughed. When they found gold in Southern
Rhodesia, they laughed. When they found Gandhi organizing
non-violent resistance in India, they really laughed."

But the Ocean Village study suggests other reasons for the
laughter decline, including concerns about money and
relationships. Lack of money can certainly affect the amount
of laughter in your life. Have you seen how much the
Seinfeld DVD costs? Tickets to a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up
show are so expensive, you'll have to charge them to
American Express. But you'll be following the wisdom of
the day: Laugh now, cry later.

As Bate points out, "Laughter is an essential ingredient of
a healthy, happy life and is one of the most effective and
immediate antidotes to stress and tension -- it really is
the best medicine." That's why it's important for other
countries to share their laughter secrets with Britain:

America: "Don't make people have to go to the circus to see
clowns. Give them their own TV shows."

Spain: "Let the bulls run through the streets. Then visit
the hospital and laugh at all the idiots."

India: "Elect movie stars to public office. They'll
entertain you every day, without making you buy a ticket."

France: "Use a bidet. It tickles."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

AN ARROWSMITH RECORD WE CAN DANCE TO

If you're a sports fan, you've probably marveled at a
variety of accomplishments, such as Phil Jackson's nine NBA
titles, Tiger Woods' nine major championships, and David
Beckham's nine stunning tattoos.

But if you really want to be impressed, check out what Percy
and Florence Arrowsmith have accomplished: 80 years of
marriage.

That's a tremendous feat, especially when most Hollywood
marriages crumble before the ink has dried on the prenuptial
agreement. As one actor said, "Eighty years of marriage!
Wow! I'd be happy with 80 days of marriage."

As reported by the Associated Press, the Arrowsmiths, of
Hereford, England, tied the knot on June 1, 1925. It was
such a long time ago that their wedding picture was etched
on the wall of a cave. Florence wore lambskin; Percy a fig
leaf. He also had a bow, though he left his arrows at home.

Percy, now 105, and Florence, 100, have set two Guinness
World Records: Longest marriage for a living couple and
oldest aggregate age for a married couple. As one athlete
said, "That's amazing. Two world records and they've never
even touched steroids."

I can't even imagine being married 80 years. I got married
in my mid-20s, somewhat late in life, so I'd be happy to
enjoy 40 years of marital bliss, preferably with the same
woman.

According to the AP article, the Arrowsmiths say the key to
a long marriage is to never take an argument to bed. They
always kiss and hold hands before falling asleep. I've heard
many old couples say this, but it's hard to put into
practice, at least for me. I've often wanted to hold my
wife's hand after an argument, but our bed and couch are too
far apart. Perhaps I need a nine-foot pole.

I've been married for quite sometime, but I've already learned
some keys to a lasting marriage:

---Have a poor memory: This may seem like a bad thing,
especially if you can't remember your wedding anniversary or
where you put the darn Viagra. But it's also a major
benefit, the sole reason many marriages survive. When people
ask me if I ever fight with my wife, I can honestly say, "I
don't remember the last time we screamed at each other."
Unfortunately, my seven-year-old daughter has a sharp
memory: "It was this morning, Daddy, during breakfast. Don't
you remember? You complained about the eggs and Mom said,
'If you don't shut up, you're not getting any tonight.' And
I asked why you'd want eggs at night."

---Say you're sorry: No matter who's at fault, you shouldn't
hesitate to say you're sorry. Take, for example, an Indian
couple named Raj and Rani. Whenever Raj makes a mistake,
Rani says she's sorry.

Raj: "Whoops. Looks like I forgot to pay our electric bill
again. We just got a shut-off notice."

Rani: "Oh, Raj! I'm really sorry you're so careless. And I'm
also sorry I married you."

---Try to grow together: This is perhaps the best piece of
advice I've received. My wife and I have grown so much
together. I'm especially proud of the peas and tomatoes.

---Show your love in various ways: I show my love by making
tea so my wife doesn't have to, by doing the dishes so my
wife doesn't have to, and by keeping up with the latest
football news so my wife doesn't have to.