INDIAN ROMANCE GOES MOBILE

My wife and I have been married for several years,
but, unlike many couples in India, we still haven't engaged
in SMS. It's not that we're too old-fashioned for it. We
just don't have the right equipment.

SMS, in case you didn't know, is nothing kinky. It stands
for Short Messaging System (also known as text messaging),
an inexpensive and increasingly popular way of communicating
for mobile phone users in India. According to a recent India
Today article, about 2.5 crore SMS messages are sent daily,
some traveling many miles, others just a few yards.

Wife: "Y r u not cming to bed?"

Husband: "Crckt mtch. Gd nght!"

If you had trouble reading some of those words, you're
probably not used to SMS, which has given many Indians the
opportunity to butcher English like never before. Forget
spelling, forget punctuation, forget the lecture your
English teacher gave you when you said, "I am not
understanding why grammar be important."

Anything goes in SMS, as long as people can make sense of
your msg (message). It's easy to be misunderstood.
When a woman writes, "U gv me lc," her message can
compliment one man ("I always give people luck!"), confuse
another ("I don't remember giving you lace.") and upset a
third ("I'm really sorry, dear. I didn't mean to give you
lice!").

What's most remarkable about SMS is its role in romance.
Couples are using SMS not just to keep in touch, but to
express affection for each other. Sometimes it takes just
three letters ("Lv u"), other times it takes as many as 35
("Lv u so vry mch. Almst as mch as I lv Hrthk Rshn.")

SMS has allowed some couples to be more intimate, to loosen
whatever restraints their culture and upbringing have
imposed on them. Even a simple "thnkng abt u" can put a
smile on a wife's face, allowing her to feel closer to her
husband and look forward to seeing him again, as soon as the
Test series is over.

But SMS isn't just for established couples. Like an Internet
chat room, the tiny screen of a mobile handset allows you to
flirt with people you barely know. You might be too shy to
speak to the cute co-worker in the opposite cubicle, but you
can easily write your feelings: "I thnk I'm fllng n lv wth
u. Whts ur nm agn?"

SMS can't be monitored by your boss, which means you won't
be reprimanded for consulting your spouse about a critical
issue: "Whch Amtbh mvie shld we c tnight?"

Indeed, SMS is so private, you can read messages from your
boyfriend while doing something important, such as having
dinner with your husband. But try to avoid such situations,
unless you're desperate for some good SMS.

Unfortunately, my wife and I can't engage in SMS because we
have only one mobile phone. That means we have to settle for
the old way of communicating: email.

STILL FIGURING OUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

Throughout history, men have been trying to impress women,
and throughout history, men have failed miserably. It began
with Oongah the caveman, who thought he could impress the
cavewomen by hunting mammoths and other large animals. After
each hunting trip, he would return home with various tusk
injuries, mostly to his buttocks, and show them off to all
the cave dwellers, saying, "See! Me real man!"

The cavewomen would giggle, then cast their eyes on Dongah,
who had set himself apart from the other cavemen by doing
something that seemed rather gentlemanly in those days:
going outside to pee. What everyone didn't realize was that
Dongah was going farther and farther away from the cave.
Like generations of men to follow, he was marking his
territory. Soon he controlled a vast expanse of land, which
he showed off to all the cave dwellers, saying,
"See! Me real estate man!"

At first, the cavewomen were impressed with Dongah's
property, which included many caves, trees and rocks. But it
didn't take long for them to realize that he couldn't give
them what they really desired: credit cards.

When it came to inventing things, Dongah was out of his
element, overshadowed by a caveman named Hongah, widely
considered the greatest inventor of his time, having created
what he called the "female-impressing raging energy" (FIRE).
Unfortunately for Hongah, fire didn't impress many women,
partly because they could no longer relax in the evening.
They were now expected to cook.

But Hongah was determined to impress women, so he spent his
days and nights on an even greater invention, one that would
have an impact on the female species until the very end of
time. He called it the handbag. Unfortunately for Hongah,
when he presented this new object, made of the finest
rabbit's fur, to an attractive cavewoman, she hit him over
the head with it, saying, "Cook it yourself." This was the
beginning of women's lib.

Fast forward to the 21st century and only the names have
changed. Oongah is Oliver, the muscle-bound man who pumps
iron at the local gym, attracting the attention of women by
grunting loudly like a caveman. He has a chest the size of a
washing machine, yet he's saving up for pectoral implants.
He wears tank tops, participates in various sports and
activities, and is eager to share details of his latest
injury, whether he sprained his ankle while skiing or
strained his frontal lobe while reading.

Dongah is Donald, the real estate magnate who is creating
his own empire, signing deals to buy hotels, casinos and sky
scrapers, marking his territory as publicly as possible,
simply by pulling out his pen. He surrounds himself with
beautiful women and tries to keep them happy by giving them
the best handbags in the world -- handbags full of credit
cards.

Hongah is Hitesh, the technology whiz from India who owns so
many gadgets his friends call him "Hi-tech." All his gadgets
are wireless and multi-functional, such as the cell phone he
uses to take digital pictures and the digital camera he uses
to make phone calls. Whenever he meets a woman, Hitesh
brings out his gadgets, introducing them with more pride
than most people introduce their children.

Each of these men has something to offer women: Oliver has
bulging muscles, Donald has sprawling property and Hitesh
has 100 gigabytes of disk space. But the women don't stick
around for long. Strange creatures, they seem to be
looking for something else.