LET'S HAVE MORE RAIN-PRODUCING WEDDINGS

Have you ever wondered why meteorologists have so much
trouble forecasting the weather? They predict sunshine in
Bangladesh and the next thing you know, people are swimming
to work.

But don't blame the poor meteorologists. They have to
consider dozens of factors, including the moisture-content
of clouds, the direction of wind, and the number of people
performing rain dances.

As if that isn't bad enough, they now have an additional
factor to consider: the number of donkeys getting married in
Tamil Nadu.

I'm not kidding. I recently read that villagers in
Velayuthampalayam organized a wedding of two donkeys to
pacify the rain gods. The villagers recalled that a similar
donkey wedding 30 years ago produced lots of rain during a
drought. This proves at least three things:

(1) Donkeys are more valuable than I thought. Why pray for
rain when you can bray for rain?

(2) India has a major shortage of donkey matchmakers.
Remember: A donkey wedding a day could keep the drought
away.

(3) Donkeys tend to prefer arranged marriages. We've heard
of at least two arranged marriages involving donkeys, but
not a single love marriage. Perhaps the next generation of
donkeys will be different.

It won't be long before you see donkey matrimonial ads:
"Owners of a male donkey, well-trained, healthy,
pleasant-smelling, seeking responses from owners of suitable
brides with good teeth, beautiful tails and fair complexion.
Preference will be given to Tamil-speakers."

For the recent wedding, the bride and groom had to be rented
from nearby Kottur village, because there were no donkeys in
Velayuthampalayam -- at least not single donkeys.

The wedding was performed at a Ganesha temple, complete with mantras, flowers and a feast. More than 200 villagers
attended the ceremony, some of whom, no doubt, claimed to be
relatives. Anything for a feast.

The donkeys, more accustomed to rough treatment, were
garlanded and fed milk and bananas, prompting the groom to
whisper to the bride: "If I had known marriage would be this
good, I would have done it years ago."

The villagers collected Rs. 2,000 for the marriage, perhaps
to send the donkeys on a nice honeymoon. Where do donkeys
go? Who knows, maybe Ass-am.

Did the wedding actually produce rain? As the villagers
might say, "No drought about it." Perhaps they got only a
few inches -- or perhaps they were treated to a virtual
monsoon.

Whatever the case, it's certainly worth bragging about.
America may have sent a man to the moon, but India knows how
to control the weather. If donkey weddings can produce rain,
imagine what elephant weddings would produce. I just hope
India never runs out of eligible animals.

Critics may frown upon donkey weddings, but let's not forget
that we've had worse pairings in history, such as Michael
Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley. Not to mention Elizabeth
Taylor and an entire army of men. I'm sure Taylor is quite
envious of the divorce rate among donkeys.

Perhaps it's wise to focus on the bottom line: Human
marriages often produce pain, whereas donkey marriages
produce rain. You can't complain about that. Even if you're
a meteorologist struggling to predict the weather:  "It's
going to be sunny today throughout Tamil Nadu. Wait a
minute! You'd better get your umbrellas out. We just got a
report of a donkey wedding!"