SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

ADDRESSING THE GROWING STUDENT BODY

"Good evening and welcome to the first monthly meeting of
the Indian Students Association of Purdue University. My
name is Mohan Bhatt and I will serve as president during
this academic year, thanks to the powerful coalition of
engineering and computer science students. For students
in other fields, I'd like to make this promise: I will try
my best to satisfy both of you.

I'm determined to fulfill all my campaign promises -- I've
already asked the Director of Food Services to consider
changing the cafeteria menus slightly, replacing dinner
rolls with chapatis. He wants to please the Hispanic
students, too, so I've suggested that he puts two signs over
the same item, one that says 'chapatis' in Hindi, the other
'tortillas' in Spanish.

I reminded him that the number of Indian students has more
than doubled since last year. That's why we had to move our
meetings from the student union building to the football
stadium. I apologize to those of you who still can't find a
seat. Please feel free to squat in the aisles. Just don't
get in the way of the samosa vendors.

Such overcrowding is being felt all over America. The number
of new Indian students has almost doubled in the last five
years. In fact, a record 66,836 students came from India in
2001, allowing us to finally beat China in something. And
even more significant, we've helped reduce the population of
our motherland. What better way to show our patriotism.

But as you know, Purdue and other universities are largely
unprepared for the influx of Indians. Just look at the
movies being shown on campus and you will see that not a
single one features Aishwarya Rai. The local video stores
are no better: if you want to see an Indian movie, you'll
have to watch 'Gandhi.' I've already seen it 15 times, and I
still don't understand why they couldn't let the Mahatma do
a little singing and dancing.

While I'm on the subject of entertainment, you may have
noticed that cable TV on campus is sorely lacking. I missed
the entire Test series against England. No highlights on
ESPN or anything. But I do have some good news for you: Some
of our computer science students have reprogrammed the TV
receiver in the student lounge. It now picks up Zee TV -- as
long as Rajiv Gupta attaches his spectacles to the antenna.
Apparently they are special specs, available only in
Kolkata, but anyone who wants to borrow them from Rajiv can
do so for $9.99 an hour.

We are also trying to address another important issue: we've
learned that Purdue now has almost 50 students named Sanjay
Patel. This can be rather confusing. Just last week, one
Sanjay Patel wrote a bad check and the police arrested five
others. The students are really upset and want me to solve
this problem. If I don't, they're threatening to form their
own group, the Sanjay Patel Association.

Thankfully, I've already found a solution. Every Sanjay
Patel has been randomly assigned an American first name
beginning with 'S.' Your new name will be emailed to you in
a few days. I apologize in advance to Sinbad Patel and Santa
Patel."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

DON'T KEEP ME ALIVE, UNLESS ...

I, John Doe, being of sound mind and body, and concerned
about the possibility of being kept alive in a vegetative
state, either through a ventilator or other means, hereby
declare that no judge or politician shall have a say in any
decision regarding my life. Any such decision shall be made
solely by consulting a Living Will -- either Will Smith or
Will Ferrell.

If neither of these actors is alive or able to exercise
their "willpower," then this document shall serve as the
final authority in determining whether to keep me alive,
unless of course my wife still wants me around for tax
purposes.

She has the right to keep me alive, but not to disconnect my
ventilator or remove my feeding tube, unless she and my
children decide that it would minimize the suffering, lessen
the pain, for them to collect my life insurance.

It is important, however, that I express my wishes, even if
my wife has the right to overrule them, as she takes great
pleasure in doing.

I do not want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, even
if that state happens to be Florida. The vegetation in a
state is immaterial to me, especially if I'm stuck in a
hospital bed. The only vegetation that interests me these
days is that Bush in Washington D.C.

I do not want to be kept alive if I'm judged to be
brain-dead, never mind that most people have already made
that judgment. Medical doctors are well-qualified to make
this determination, but I'd like to give them some pointers,
in case they're reluctant to jeopardize my hospital lease. I
am probably brain-dead if any of the following occurs:

---A remote control is in my room and I'm not holding it.

---A football game is on TV and I'm not watching it.

---Halle Berry comes to my room and I don't smile.

---My dentist comes to my room and I don't scream.

---Someone reads me Bill Clinton's memoir and I don't fall
asleep.

---Someone reads me Ann Coulter's book and I don't try to
kill them.

Whether or not I am brain-dead, I do not want a feeding tube
inserted into me, unless the tube is big enough to carry a
pizza. I want to have pizza regularly -- and by "regularly,"
I mean three times a day. My feeding schedule will be as
follows: Breakfast: pizza topped with sausage. Lunch: pizza
topped with pepperoni. Dinner: pizza topped with meatloaf,
steak and tandoori chicken.

If I must have a feeding tube, I also want a drinking tube,
preferably one that's connected to a bottle of Chardonnay. A
little champagne now and then would suit me fine, too.
Moderation is the key and I hereby appoint Boris Yeltsin as
my moderator. He will be in charge of my drinking tube, with
Ted Kennedy as the first alternate.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention organ donation. I want
all my organs donated: my eyes to a blind person, my lungs
to a cancer patient, my brain to one of those motorcyclists
who don't wear helmets.

In conclusion, I would like to thank my lawyer, who
recommended that I write this document, so that there will
be no confusion whatsoever. To him, I leave my drinking
tube.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

A HUMAN IN INDIA BEATS A MACHINE IN AMERICA

When I call my telephone or credit card company, I can
never speak to a human immediately. For some reason,
the humans are always busy with other customers, and I
have to listen to a machine tell me something like
this: "Please stay on the line. Your call is important
to us. So important that we'll try our best to speak
to you within the next year or so."

Determined to speak to a human, I stay on the line for
an eternity, carrying the phone around with me - to
the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom - hoping that I
won't have to take a shower with it.

My phone has lots of useful features, but I don't
think it's waterproof. And even if it was, I wouldn't
feel comfortable speaking on the phone when I'm
undressed. I just don't trust technology. I have this
image of the telephone company's employees viewing my
every move through a tiny camera.

"Attention female employees, if you gather around the
big-screen TV in the main office, you'll see a sight
that's guaranteed to make you laugh. Yes, one of our
male customers is taking a shower. He doesn't look
like Mel Gibson or Hrithik Roshan, but we voyeurs
can't be too choosy. As you can see, our technicians
have learned to use some rather impressive equipment
to view some rather unimpressive equipment."

But despite this concern, I remain on the line, until
the machine has repeated its message at least 260
times and the company has realized that I'm not ready
to hang up or die of old age. A human finally takes my
call, greeting me with a cheery tone that's almost as
annoying as the long wait. "Hello. May I help you?"

"Thank God, a human," I say. "I was beginning to think
all the humans had been replaced. Please help me
remember why I called. I've been on hold so long I've
totally forgotten. And by the way, what year is this?
And is George W. Bush still president?"

"I have no idea why you called," the human says.
"We're paid to read scripts, not minds. As for your
other questions, it's 2003 and George W. Bush quit
being president last year. He got tired of giving so
many speeches and missing so many episodes of Sesame
Street."

The reason I have to wait so long is obvious:
companies just don't employ enough humans to answer
their phones. They prefer using machines, partly
because machines never get paid, never take coffee
breaks, and never accuse the boss of sexual
harassment.

But some companies, thankfully, are trying to employ
more humans, while cutting their costs. They're moving
their call centers to a country with a great supply of
humans: India.

Yes, India is fast becoming the call center capital of
the world. American companies are taking advantage of
India's large pool of educated and English-speaking
humans. And it's not because these Indians are willing
to work for peanuts. Even better, they're willing to
work for rupees.

For the cost of employing one overworked American, a
company can employ five overjoyed Indians.

Before answering calls from America, these employees
are required to not only speak with an American
accent, but also learn about American culture, perhaps
by watching several episodes of "Jerry Springer."

They're also expected to Americanize their names. If
they're Siddhartha or Suchitra at home, they become
Sid or Sue at work. In other words, they're just like
many Indians in America.

Some callers may not like the idea of speaking to
Indians impersonating Americans. As for me, I have no
complaints. As long as I get to speak to a human, I
don't care who answers my call - an Indian, an
Australian, an Eskimo.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

UNRAVELING THE MYSTERY OF MATRIMONIAL ADS

Whenever I see matrimonial ads, I can't help smiling, partly
because I met my wife through an ad and partly because I
don't need to look at them again for a very long time, at
least until I'm ready to torment my daughter. She's just a
baby, but it's not hard to imagine myself handing her a page
of matrimonial ads and saying, "It's your lucky day, Lekha.
Every bachelor here describes himself as 'very successful'
and 'very handsome.' How can you go wrong?"

Matrimonial ads are an effective way to meet potential
mates, but they're not without their pitfalls. That's why,
as a public service, I decided to conduct an Internet chat
with some eligible men and women. Here's the transcript:

Sanjay, 38: Since you're an expert on matrimonial ads,
please tell me what it means when divorced women say they
have "no issues."

ANSWER: It means they have nothing left to discuss. They
exhausted all issues in their previous marriages. If you
want to start a conversation with them, you need to bring
your own issues.

Nalini, 24: What do you think of an ad that says "seeking
smart, ambitious girl" and "must be able to cook"?

ANSWER: I think you need to stop searching for a mate in the
employment section.

Waheeda, 35: I'm about to place a matrimonial ad and
wondered if it's OK to mention that my biological clock is
ticking.

ANSWER: By all means. For greater emphasis, you may even
include a picture of your clock. That would help draw
responses from newspaper reporters and other men who work
well under deadlines.

Ravi, 25: Some women describe themselves as "fair," others
as "very fair." Should I request a picture to verify the
extent of their fairness?

ANSWER: That is a fair question. But to determine if a woman
is truly fair, you need to observe her deeds, not her face.
Otherwise, you'll find yourself squabbling with your
light-skinned wife, thinking, "She is not fair at all."

Madhu, 34: I came across an ad in which a man describes
himself as "Harward-educated." Is that the same as
Harvard-educated and would you be concerned about his true
qualifications?

ANSWER: Yes, I'd be wery vorried.

Latha, 23: What type of information should I include in my
biodata?

ANSWER: The most important information to include is the
educational qualifications of your relatives, especially if
one of them is a doctor. You should also include the exact
time and date of your birth. Everything else is optional.

Rupa, 27: I do not believe in the caste system. Should I
boycott ads that mention caste in them?

ANSWER: Yes, caste them aside. There are many others to
choose from.

Thomas, 29: I saw an ad in which a woman described herself
as "homely." Does that mean she's not good-looking?

ANSWER: No, it means she's extremely attractive, but likes
to stay at home. In other words, she's not "outgoing."

Jyoti, 31: Please explain what it means when a man says he
has "good blend of east-west values."

ANSWER: It means he eats his kofta curry with a fork.

Rakesh, 32: I found an ad that says "medical doctors
preferred." I'm not a doctor, but my best friend is. Should
I respond?

ANSWER: Only if you can borrow your friend's credit cards.
And perhaps his Mercedes, too.

Manoj, 25: A woman has advertised for "well-settled"
professionals only. I have a green card. Does that make me
well-settled?

ANSWER: No. To be considered well-settled, you must have a
wife and children.

Varun, 20: Something is suspicous. Are you really an expert
on matrimonial ads?

ANSWER: Yes, I have an M.A. degree from Harward. Go ahead
and werify it.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

WORLD CUP MAKES DREAMING POSSIBLE

South Korea's success in the 2002 FIFA World Cup has got me
dreaming. I can hear a television announcer's booming
voice: "Gupta crosses the ball, Singh takes a shot and ...
GOAL! GOAL! India has won the 2006 World Cup, upsetting
Brazil 1-0 in overtime. The South Americans are stunned.
They're staring into the sky, wondering how they lost to a
country where cricket is the number one sport and soccer is
number 17, just behind carom board and kabaddi."

A Star TV reporter covers the celebration in Delhi: "I've
never seen anything like this. Everyone is dancing in the
streets. Muslims are kissing Hindus, Brahmins are kissing
Dalits, someone even kissed a lawyer. I've also heard rumors
that the Prime Minister kissed Sonia Gandhi. The Sports
Minister has announced that the victorious soccer players
will be rewarded with new jobs in the transportation
industry. Yes, each of them will receive an auto rickshaw."

Such dreams seemed outrageous just a few weeks ago. I
believed that Asian teams couldn't compete in the World Cup,
that they were just invited to the finals to allow other
teams to score. Without the Asians, spectators would have to
settle for dull 0-0 and 1-0 games, instead of exciting 8-0
games.

But South Korea has proven me wrong. By reaching the
semifinal and finishing fourth, they showed that Asian teams
don't have to be doormats. Even India, with the right
commitment, could produce a team that causes fear in the
soccer world, not just fits of laughter.

To be sure, India is ranked 123 in the world, keeping
company with those two African soccer powers, Malawi and
Swaziland. Only 32 countries qualify for the World Cup
Finals, so India's chances of making it in the near future
are not as great as, say, Veerappan's chances of becoming
president.

But there's always hope, especially if one billion people
pray for the same thing. It almost worked for "Lagaan" at
the Oscars, but the movie came a few hundred prayers short.
Perhaps next time the government will declare a national
prayer day.

In case prayer isn't enough, India needs to focus on
developing young soccer players, just as some soccer
enthusiasts in Delhi are trying to do. They've formed a
society called "We in WC 2010." (WC, hopefully, doesn't
stand for wash closet.) The goal is to find and train
children who are fit and talented, children with the rare
ability to put away their cricket bats.

The society is relying on financial support from private
sources, determined to avoid government interference and
corruption. That way, nobody will say, "Four players from
Kerala and none from Tamil Nadu? How could that be? Wait
until Amma hears about this. Heads will roll."

Though encouraging, the venture is on such a small scale
that it seems like a shot in the dark. Even if gifted
players are discovered, will their skills be honed in
professional leagues? Will they get a chance to face the top
players in the world, not just the All-Punjab Team? And will
I be able to keep on dreaming?

"With its victory over Brazil, India is now ranked number
one in the world. Team captain Jaswant Singh has just
received a congratulatory phone call from President
Veerappan."