SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

WORLD CUP MAKES DREAMING POSSIBLE

South Korea's success in the 2002 FIFA World Cup has got me
dreaming. I can hear a television announcer's booming
voice: "Gupta crosses the ball, Singh takes a shot and ...
GOAL! GOAL! India has won the 2006 World Cup, upsetting
Brazil 1-0 in overtime. The South Americans are stunned.
They're staring into the sky, wondering how they lost to a
country where cricket is the number one sport and soccer is
number 17, just behind carom board and kabaddi."

A Star TV reporter covers the celebration in Delhi: "I've
never seen anything like this. Everyone is dancing in the
streets. Muslims are kissing Hindus, Brahmins are kissing
Dalits, someone even kissed a lawyer. I've also heard rumors
that the Prime Minister kissed Sonia Gandhi. The Sports
Minister has announced that the victorious soccer players
will be rewarded with new jobs in the transportation
industry. Yes, each of them will receive an auto rickshaw."

Such dreams seemed outrageous just a few weeks ago. I
believed that Asian teams couldn't compete in the World Cup,
that they were just invited to the finals to allow other
teams to score. Without the Asians, spectators would have to
settle for dull 0-0 and 1-0 games, instead of exciting 8-0
games.

But South Korea has proven me wrong. By reaching the
semifinal and finishing fourth, they showed that Asian teams
don't have to be doormats. Even India, with the right
commitment, could produce a team that causes fear in the
soccer world, not just fits of laughter.

To be sure, India is ranked 123 in the world, keeping
company with those two African soccer powers, Malawi and
Swaziland. Only 32 countries qualify for the World Cup
Finals, so India's chances of making it in the near future
are not as great as, say, Veerappan's chances of becoming
president.

But there's always hope, especially if one billion people
pray for the same thing. It almost worked for "Lagaan" at
the Oscars, but the movie came a few hundred prayers short.
Perhaps next time the government will declare a national
prayer day.

In case prayer isn't enough, India needs to focus on
developing young soccer players, just as some soccer
enthusiasts in Delhi are trying to do. They've formed a
society called "We in WC 2010." (WC, hopefully, doesn't
stand for wash closet.) The goal is to find and train
children who are fit and talented, children with the rare
ability to put away their cricket bats.

The society is relying on financial support from private
sources, determined to avoid government interference and
corruption. That way, nobody will say, "Four players from
Kerala and none from Tamil Nadu? How could that be? Wait
until Amma hears about this. Heads will roll."

Though encouraging, the venture is on such a small scale
that it seems like a shot in the dark. Even if gifted
players are discovered, will their skills be honed in
professional leagues? Will they get a chance to face the top
players in the world, not just the All-Punjab Team? And will
I be able to keep on dreaming?

"With its victory over Brazil, India is now ranked number
one in the world. Team captain Jaswant Singh has just
received a congratulatory phone call from President
Veerappan."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

MEMO TO STAFF: PLEASE GET SOME WORK DONE

To: All staff
From: Company president
Subject: Low productivity

It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped
drastically since Friday, June 9th. I'm not sure what's
going on, but please be assured that I'm monitoring the
situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees
who aren't pulling their own weight. For the company to be
successful, it's important for all of us to work hard. We
need to learn from the examples set by the following
managers, whom I'm pleased to recognize.

John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past
John's office and heard him and several employees shouting
"Goal! Goal! Goal!" When I knocked on the door, John told me
they were watching a training video to help them achieve
company goals. I have nominated each of them for our
Employee of the Month Award. It's important for all of us to
focus on goals. As John said, "Without goals, our team will
lose."

Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called
me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn't come to
work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness
called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least
a month and there's a chance of relapse every four years. As
you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I
wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long.
Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at
ease. "I'll come to work, boss," he said. "The illness isn't
contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of
rest a few times a day." What an example Carlos is setting
for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and
Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi
is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH
(Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase
productivity in his department but also lower costs
considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and
doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I
overheard him saying to another manager, "South Korea 2,
Togo 1." I asked him about it and he said, "That's the
number of customers we have in each country." I was
extremely pleased. I didn't realize we had a customer in
Togo. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is
always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach
potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally
manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar. I
paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to
an employee about something called "World Cup." He told me
it's an acronym he's using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP
(Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates
an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the
High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a
bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said
he's testing a video conferencing system that will enable
employees to continue to work while doing their business. A
few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how
many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to
hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no
customers in America. That's a huge market that
we're missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for
the Bathroom Productivity Award.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

A RANDOM SAMPLE OF PROUD NEW YORKERS

Reader's Digest has rated New York "the most polite major
city in the entire world." People in other cities were quite
shocked to hear this, but not as shocked as the folks in New
York. "Polite? Us?" one man said. "Get the &%$# out of
here!"

RD conducted courtesy tests in 35 cities around the world,
wherever the magazine is published. New Yorkers were found
to be courteous 80% of the time, edging out Zurich and
Toronto for the top spot, while residents of Mumbai
(formerly Bombay) were courteous only 32% of the time,
beating out Bucharest for the title of "City Most Likely to
Have Extremely Rude Reader's Digest burnings."

RD reporters conducted three types of tests in each city,
checking whether people would hold doors open for them, pick
up documents they'd dropped and, in the case of salesclerks,
thank them for a purchase. Trying to be as scientific as
possible, the reporters performed their New York tests at a
random sample of Starbucks coffee shops. As the magazine
explained, this was for the sake of "consistency" -- the
reporters could be assured of "consistency" whenever they
took a coffee break.

To find out what New Yorkers thought of the RD findings, I
decided to interview a random sample of guys standing on
street corners. They had typical New York names -- Yo, Moe
and Cho -- and were horrified to hear that the Big Apple was
now considered a polite city.

"Polite city?" Moe said. "Reader's Digest is trying to ruin
our reputation. We ought to sue 'em."

"Reader's Digest doesn't know $#%!" Yo said. "We ain't a
pole light city. We got buildings and houses and other stuff
too."

"What's wrong with being considered polite?" I asked.

"First they be tellin' everyone we're polite," Moe said,
"then we get a whole lotta immigrants coming here -- no
offense, Cho -- and before you know it, ain't nobody got a
job."

"No offense taken, &#$@ face," Cho said. "Polite is okay if
you're in Iowa and Utah, but over here, we just don't have
the time. We're always rushing somewhere: to work, to
stores, to court."

"Court?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah," Cho said. "Basketball court. And we're definitely
not polite there. No one says, 'Please pass the ball.' We
say, 'Pass the $#@& ball, you @%$#!"

"So you're never polite anywhere?" I asked. "Not even once?"

"Some people think I'm polite, but I'm not," Moe said. "One
tourist asked me if I've got the time. I don't even own a
watch, so I just showed him the finger. And he said,
'One o' clock. Thank you very much!'"

"That's nothing," Cho said. "One kid asked if anyone has
change for a dollar. I said, 'Your mama!' And he said, 'I'll
ask her. Thank you!'"

"What about when someone drops a paper?" I asked. "Do you
help them pick it up."

"Depends," Moe said. "If it's five bucks or something, I'll
pick it up. That's my lunch money right there."

"No way, dude," Cho said. "People are always dropping things
in New York and most of the time, they're just littering.
I'm not picking up their trash."

"What about you, Yo?" I asked.

"Come on, man," Yo said. "Why would I wanna put my
fingerprints on their papers? What if they're a cop or
something?"

"What about doors?" I asked. "Do you hold them open for
others?"

"Why should we?" Moe said. "What doors are they holding open
for us? Doors to McDonald's? Doors to Taco Bell? What about
the doors to opportunity? Ain't nobody holding those doors
open for us!"

"Look dude, we're just trying to keep it real," Cho said.
"You can be polite to people without really caring about
them. How many times do people say to my mom, 'We should
have you over for dinner sometime,' but then they never
call."

"Yeah, what's up with that, Yo?" Yo asked. "Ain't it better
to be rude? You tell Reader's Digest that!"

"Man, I wish Reader's Digest didn't mess with us," Moe
said, shaking his head.

I decided to give them the silver lining: The Reader's
Digest tests were rather unscientific. "New York could still
be the rudest city in the world," I said.

Their faces instantly brightened. "Yeah, baby!" they
shouted, giving each other a round of high-fives. Then,
unable to contain their pride, they broke into a chant: "New
York! New York! New York!"

shashichief · 1st Moderator

WAITING FOR THE PRESIDENT TO CHECK OUT

The other day, while eating at an Indian restaurant, I met
an immigrant from Zimbabwe, a friendly middle-aged man who
had not visited his homeland in years. "I want to go back,"
he said. "I'm waiting for Mugabe to die."

Unfortunately, tyrants seem to live longer than the rest of
the population, unless they're in prison, charged with
crimes against humanity, in which case, like Slobodan
Milosevic, they check out early. Any day now, we will read
Saddam's obituary: "Saddam Hussein, often referred to as the
'Iraqi strongman,' collapsed and died yesterday after
sustaining what doctors are describing as a 'severe paper
cut.' According to witnesses, Hussein was reading a
newspaper when he suddenly screamed and keeled over. He was
apparently hurt by some sharp criticism."

Robert Mugabe has held onto power for 26 years, largely by
practicing a form of democracy familiar to people in several
African countries and the state of Florida. He is 82 years
old and still going strong, still capable of leading his
country out of the swamp and into the quicksand. If you
think he makes poor decisions now, just wait until he hits
102.

Mugabe: "Mongo, you've been very loyal to me. I'm going to
appoint you the new Minister of National Security. What do
you think of that?"

Mongo: "Woof! Woof! Woof!"

Mugabe: "Yes, Mongo, you'll get a big house with a large
yard. You'll be the top dog in my Cabinet. You can snap at
the opposition and hound the media."

Mongo: "Woof! Woof! Woof!"

Mugabe: "What's that you say? You think I'm a great man,
just as great as the inventor of the flea collar? Why, thank
you, Mongo. I appreciate it. You can stop embracing my leg
now."

In case you're wondering, Zimbabwe does have term limits. No
one can serve as president for longer than 80 years. But
Comrade Mugabe, as he's often called, will likely introduce
a constitutional amendment as soon as he turns 136.

Fortunately, Zimbabweans probably won't have to wait that
long to see new leadership. Mugabe may step down in 2008,
when his current term expires. According to a New Yorker
article, he is building a $10 million retirement home, a
Serbian-designed Pagoda-style villa. He will probably anoint
one of his henchmen as his successor, then sit back and
watch in glee: "Ha ha. And they thought I was bad."

That's the problem with waiting for a tyrant to die: just as
you're about to celebrate, another tyrant comes along, one
who has studied well under his master.

The celebrations start early in some cases, as when Cuba's
government announced that Fidel Castro, 80, had undergone
surgery for intestinal bleeding and was temporarily ceding
power to his younger brother Raul, who is only 75. Some
Cubans, members of the Optimists Club, began popping
champagne and dancing in circles, singing, "He's dead! He's
dead! Our beloved leader is dead!"

But nobody celebrated publicly inside Cuba, not surprising
in a country where you're either for Fidel or an infidel.
Many Cubans were saddened that their leader of 47 years was
ailing, but some expressed hope that he would recover and
lead the country into the next century.

Perhaps their prayers have been answered, for Castro is
recovering gradually, according to his brother. You can bet
your last Zimbabwean dollar that Comrade Mugabe has sent a
"get well" card to Comrade Castro, saying, "Hope you'll be
back in good health soon, comrade. You are my role model.
Compared to you, I've had a very short presidency."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

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