SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

RE: SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

shashichief · 1st Moderator

BUSH RIDES WAVE OF POPULARITY IN INDIA

President Bush recently spent two days in India, prompting
an estimated 100 million people to take to the streets to
protest his policies. Many carried banners calling him the
world's biggest terrorist and some really bad names in
Hindi.

"Welcome to India, Mr. President," U.S. ambassador David
Mulford said, shaking Bush's hand in New Delhi. "You're
going to like it here. Your approval rating is higher here
than in America. Indians absolutely love you."

"They love me?" Bush asked. "But 100 million of them are
rioting and calling me bad names. I'm afraid to see what
they'd do if they hated me."

"Don't take it the wrong way," the ambassador said. "It's
only 100 million Indians. The other 90 percent absolutely
love you. They adore you. "

"So you think I'm safe here?" Bush asked, visibly relieved.
"No one will shoot me?"

"Very safe here," the ambassador said. "As long as you
didn't bring Mr. Cheney with you."

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said the reports of 100
million protestors were greatly exaggerated. "I'm not
disagreeing that 100 million people were on the streets," he
said, "but most of them were simply waiting for the bus. And
what looked like a riot to foreign journalists was just our
usual traffic."

Upendra Kumar, a Bangalore man who helped organize the
protests, agreed with Singh's assessment, adding that the
protests would have been more effective if all banners and
signs had been spellchecked. Indeed, one protestor, shown on
TV networks worldwide, carried a sign that said, "Go home,
Amrican terrierist." Another displayed a banner that said,
"George W. Bush: world's biggest tourist."

Despite the protests, Bush's visit was a resounding success.
He and Singh reached an agreement to share nuclear
technology and expertise. "I feel very confident about India
having weapons of mass destruction," Bush said. "This is a
peaceful country that loves all its neighbors."

To underscore the point, Bush visited a memorial to Mahatma
Gandhi and praised the leader's philosophy of nonviolence.
"He has had a great influence on me and the rest of
America," Bush said. "It is because of him and his
principles that we have chosen not to invade more countries.
We are keeping our nonviolence to a minimum. I mean, our
violence. You know what I mean."

Singh took Bush on a four-hour trip to the southern city of
Hyderabad. They stopped at a high-tech center after Bush
expressed a strong desire to "visit all the American jobs."

Singh told Bush that most of the jobs at the center had been
outsourced from America in the last five years. "You mean I
created all these jobs," Bush said, beaming from ear to ear.
"And to think the Democrats say I haven't done anything for
the economy."

As he left India for Pakistan, Bush said he hoped to foster
economic and political development that would make India's
neighbor "a force for freedom and moderation in the Arab
world." Bush later corrected himself, telling reporters that
he meant to say "the Muslim world."

"I know that all Muslim countries are not Arabic," he said.
"And I also know that all Arab countries are not Muslimic."

Meanwhile, White House press secretary Scott McClellan,
hoping to prevent another round of protests in the Muslim
world, refuted reports in various Arabic newspapers and TV
networks that Bush had said, "I know many people who are
putting their faith in Islam are bad."

"The president was misquoted," McClellan said. "What he said
was, 'My delegation is excited about President Musharraf's
desire to bring about positive change. I know many people
who are putting their faith in Islamabad.'"

He added that the president had held important discussions
with Pakistani officials and had left the country with a
much better understanding of how to pronounce 'Islamabad.'

shashichief · 1st Moderator

THE NICE OLD WOMAN IN THE SHOE

Whenever my children enjoy a story or nursery rhyme that I enjoyed as a child, it gives me a certain thrill, makes me feel that their childhood isn't too different from mine, despite the fact that mine occurred in the dark ages, when books were etched on stone.

Those were indeed primitive times. Stories and rhymes didn't protect us from the evils of the world. We had to read, for example, about the old woman who lived in a shoe and her terrible mistreatment of her children: "She whipped them all soundly and put them to bed." I know what you're thinking: "How could anyone be so cruel? Wasn't it bad enough that the children had to deal with the social stigma of living in a shoe?"

Thankfully, the old woman who appears in my childrens' books
has been rehabilitated, perhaps through many hours of
therapy. Nowadays, she treats her children rather well: "She
kissed them all sweetly and sent them to bed."

But she still lives in a shoe and feeds her children broth
without bread, whereas, a few pages later, Little Miss
Muffet is eating curds and whey. Hopefully, by the time my
grandchildren read these rhymes, the gap between the rich
and poor won't be so wide.

Miss Muffet may have been rich, but she still had to deal
with the big spider who "sat down beside her and frightened
Miss Muffet away." I know what you're thinking: "That's
horrible! How could this happen? Miss Muffet needs to get on
the phone and fire her pest control guy."

Thankfully, children today can read the book "Positively
Mother Goose" and meet a kinder, gentler spider. This spider
"sat down beside her and brightened Miss Muffet's whole
day." The rhyme ends on that happy note, but hopefully, by
the time my grandchildren read it, Miss Muffet will invite
the spider to share her curds and whey. And maybe the spider
will teach Miss Muffet how to build a good web site.

Then there's the tale of the three little pigs. In my day,
the first two pigs met a tragic fate at the hands of the big
bad wolf. He didn't just blow their houses down, he even --
don't read any further if you're squeamish -- ate them for
dinner. I know what you're thinking: "How shocking!
Children's books should not be promoting the consumption of
pork. Especially when a large segment of the population
considers it offensive."

Thankfully, my children read about a wolf who isn't quite so
hungry. He merely blows the pigs away. But he's still not
the model citizen we expect children to read about.
Hopefully, by the time my grandchildren read this story, the
wolf will call a press conference to apologize to the pigs
and promise to enroll in anger management classes.

As we strive to improve children's literature, let us give
credit to the teachers at a nursery school near Oxfordshire,
England, who are getting the children to sing not just "Baa
Baa Black Sheep," but also "Baa Baa White Sheep." And just
in case that isn't inclusive enough, teachers at two other
nurseries are getting children to sing "Baa Baa Rainbow
Sheep."

We should also give thanks to Sarah M. Giles and Sarah Shea,
whose December 2003 article in the Canadian Medical
Association Journal shed light on some important medical and
safety issues in nursery rhymes. "In the case of Humpty
Dumpty," they wrote, "we question whether 'all the king's
horses and all the king's men' were capable of launching an
appropriate medical intervention after Mr. Dumpty's
unfortunate accident. What sort of EMS training and
equipment did these first responders have? ... The presence
of 'all the king's men' also suggests a shocking lack of
crowd control. Could the crowded scene explain the inability
of the responders to 'put Humpty together again'?"

Their article was, of course, tongue-in-cheek. But
hopefully, by the time my grandchildren read this rhyme, the
emergency response will be better: "All the king's doctors
and all the king's nurses managed to put Mr. Humpty together
again. And he married the old woman in the shoe and they
lived happily ever after."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

THE ONLY REAL DEMOCRACY IN THE WORLD

You may not know this, but there is only one real democracy
in the world, only one country where true democratic ideals
are flourishing: Libya. If you don't believe me, just ask
the world's most respected authority on democracy: Muammar
Gaddafi.

Addressing a conference of U.S. and Libyan scholars at
Columbia University in New York, the Libyan leader gave them
information that only the most well-educated among them
already knew: "There is no state with a democracy except
Libya on the whole planet."

Gaddafi did not attend the conference, but spoke through a
video link, demonstrating the immense value of
teleconferencing, without which so many people would have
been deprived of such wisdom.

As reported by Reuters, Gaddafi described the representative
democracies in the West as "farcical" and "fake," inferior
to Libya's Jamahiriyah system, which allows people to
express their views through a hierarchy of people's
congresses. Unlike democracy in countries like Uganda and
Zimbabwe, where a single leader has ruled for more than 20
years, Libya's democracy has allowed its citizens to elect
three leaders in the past 37 years: Khadhafi, Qadhafi and
Gaddafi. (If you think they are one and the same, you are
probably one of those misguided foreigners who also think
that all Libyans look alike.)

Just consult the Official Libyan Book of Facts and you will
learn that Khadafi ruled from 1969 to 1984, then lost an
election to Qadhafi, who ruled until 2000, when he was
defeated by Gaddafi. None of the elections was disputed;
none was decided by the Libyan Supreme Court. However, the
campaigns were always contentious, creating such bad blood
among the three rivals that they vowed never to appear in
public together. To this day, Gaddafi does not talk to
Qadhafi, though their wives do maintain occasional contact,
several of them at least.

Qadhafi, in case you are wondering, was responsible for much
of the state-sponsored terrorism that tarnished Libya's
reputation in the 1980s and '90s, a condition that Gaddafi
has worked hard to rectify. By participating in conferences
like the one in New York, he hopes to show the world that
his country has not only cleaned up its act, but wants to
foster global progress and international cooperation, even
if it means letting other countries in on the secret of
democracy.

"Countries like the United States, India, China, the Russian
Federation, are in bad need of this Jamahiriyah system,"
Gaddafi told the conference. "This is a savior to them." But
his words have so far failed to excite leaders of those
countries, particularly President Bush. "I know who my
savior is," Bush said. "And it isn't Jeremiah."

Outsiders may be skeptical, but there are millions in Libya
who know the truth, having studied the Official Libyan Book
of Facts. It includes indisputable facts like these:

---George Bush has ruled America with an iron fist since
1988. He came to power after ousting Ronald Reagan in a
bloody military coup. Bush looks much younger today than he
did back then, due to a strenuous program of running,
weightlifting and facelifting. Bush has two wives: Laura and
Condoleezza.

---Al Gore tried to overthrow Bush in 2000, but failed in
his attempt and has since mysteriously disappeared. Though
no one is certain what happened to him, Bush's deputy, Dick
Cheney, has been known to shoot people. He is the chief
reason that Bill Clinton, a previous opponent who briefly
held power, now lives in exile in India.

---Libya is the only real democracy on the planet, though
Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Cuba are fairly close. It is
because of Libya's freedom and democracy that many
Americans, including Elvis Presley, continue to live in this
great country

shashichief · 1st Moderator

THE GAME WITHIN THE GAME

My wife is expecting again. I don't know how it happened --
and neither does the mailman.

I asked him and all he said was, "I haven't even looked at
your wife." Well, I have looked at my wife. And that's all
it took apparently. One look and the next thing I know,
she's saying, "Honey, I've got some news."

"What?" I say. "News already? We didn't do anything."

"Oh yes, we did."

"When?"

"The night the electricity went out and you couldn't get the
TV to run on batteries. Remember? It was dark and you
accidentally ran into me. You said something romantic like
'Let's light some candles.'"

"That's all it took? That was hardly anything."

"Well, after you lit the candles, you said, 'Let me get some
oil from the kitchen.' And I thought, 'Naughty, naughty.' I
lay on the couch in anticipation. A minute later, you
returned to the living room and tried to get the TV to run
on olive oil."

"There was a football game on TV. I was desperate for some
action."

"Tell me about it. I tried to get your attention, whispering
into your ear, 'Honey, the kids are both fast asleep.' And
you said, 'Great! We can have a good time, just you and me
and the Cowboys. As soon as I get the TV started.'"

"I really thought I could get the TV to work. I didn't
realize how hard it is to get something turned on."

"Tell me about it. I went to the bedroom and put on some
silk lingerie. When I returned, you looked at me and said,
'Absolutely stunning. A power outage in a developed
country.'"

"Well, I couldn't believe it. There was no electricity
whatsoever."

"Tell me about it. I rubbed your shoulders and said, 'Why
don't we generate some electricity of our own?' And you
said, 'Good idea, honey. Perhaps I can hook the TV to the
exercise bike.'"

"I needed to do something fast. The game had already started
and I knew the Cowboys must have scored a touchdown on the
Eagles. It's so easy to score when there's no resistance."

"Tell me about it. I ran my fingers through your hair and
said, 'I thought you might like to, you know, score a
touchdown yourself.' And you said, 'Sure, honey. We'll do it
tomorrow. Perhaps we can invite a few of the guys.'"

"Well, it's more fun to play in a group. Besides, you need a
good field to play football. I love football fields."

"Tell me about it. I went to the kids' room, got some of
their paints and put lines and numbers across my body like a
football field. And soon, like the Cowboys, you were
driving down the field toward the end zone. You looked so
pleased when I screamed, 'Touchdown!'"

"Well, it was so easy with all those markers. I especially
liked the arrow. But it all happened so fast."

"Tell me about it. You said you wanted to go to a sports bar
to watch the rest of the game. While you were getting ready,
I snuck to the main power switch and flipped it back on. You
were so excited when the TV came on. You shouted, 'Look,
honey. I didn't miss anything. The coach called a timeout!'"

"You had turned the power off? I wondered why the neighbors
had lights. Where did you get the idea of doing that?"

"I read it in that women's magazine I got in the mail."

"In the mail? I knew the mailman had something to do with
this. Wait till I get my hands on him."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

THE GROWING THREAT ON ENGLISH

"Tonight, on a very special edition of Larry King Live, we
have an exclusive interview with Jed Greeley, president of
the English Protection Association (EPA). The association
was formed this year to protect the English language from
what it calls -- and I'm quoting here -- 'a murderous
assault from the Mexicans, Chinese and Indians.' Why are you
focusing on them, Jed?"

"We ain't focusing on nobody, Larry. Thems are the main
ones, but there's other ones: the Colombians, the Iranians,
the Pakistanians. They all be coming to America and they
ain't speakin' English. It ain't right, Larry. If they ain't
willing to speak English, dang it, they ain't deservin' to
live in this free country."

"But why the big concern, Jed? People speak lots of
languages in other countries."

"Larry, it don't trouble us if they speaks Russian in
Russia, Chinese in China or Canadian in Canada. But these
are the United States of America. Over here, we speaks
English. I ain't no lingualist, but I do believe English is
the supremest language in the world. Jesus spoked English,
ya know?"

"So you believe that everyone in America should speak
English? No exceptions!"

"We ain't saying people gotta speak English in their houses
and all. We saying they gotta speak English when they's on
family outings, going to Wal-Mart and such. Also when they's
at work. I mean, the other day, I'm takin' a taxi and the
driver, he ain't understandin' a word I'm sayin'. I dang
gives him a piece of my mind. And ya know what he says to
me? He says I gotta brush up on my Urdu."

"But this is a land of immigrants. Our forefathers spoke
many different languages, including German, French and
Italian."

"But they be learnin' English soon. And ya know why, Larry?
Because back then, there wasn't no non-English channels on
TV. No Univision, no Al Jazeera, no dang Zee TV."

"Your association has started a petition to stop Mexicans
and other groups from making Spanish the official language
of America. Do you really think that's going to happen?"

"Dang right, it's gonna happen, if they gets what they
wants. Some officials already is speaking Spanish. And so is
most baseball players. They once plays in Major League
Baseball, now they calling it Las Grandes Ligas De Beisbol.
The Mexicans, they also been singin' the National Anthem in
Spanish and makin' jokes about Jorge W. Bush. They gettin'
my childrens to watch Dora the Explorer and say 'Hola Papi!'
to me. We gotta stop 'em now, Larry, before things gets too
far, before we ends up living in Estados Unidos de América
and eatin' enchiladas at Thanksgiving."

"So you see this as a pretty serious situation?"

"Dang right, we do. Look, Larry, if you wanna works on a
farm, you gotta speak Spanish; if you wanna works in a
motel, you gotta speak Gujurati; if you wanna works in the
stock market, you gotta speak Greek."

"The stock market? Isn't that all about numbers?"

"It's Greek to me, Larry."

"Oh, I see. Some people take pride in being bilingual and
trilingual. Have you ever considered learning another
language?"

"Another language? Come on, Larry, ain't it enough that I'm
fluenced in English?"

"Other than the petition, what is your group doing to
protect English in America?"

"Well, Larry, for one thing, we's making big signs to put at
the airports and borders: 'Welcome to America. We speaks
English here!'"