SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

Lites · Senior Member

RE: SHARING HUMOR AROUND THE WORLD

Lites · Senior Member

texting St Valentine's Day love messages next Tuesday should be careful they don't send them to the wrong person.

A poll of 3,000 mobile phone users that found 40 percent will be texting rather than sending cards and that one in four have misdirected a provocative text or photo.

Recipients of the unwanted texts include bosses or colleagues (9 percent) parents (3 percent) and perhaps most embarrassing of all -- ex-partners (2 percent).

The study for student phone service dot mobile revealed eight in ten 18-25 year olds have sent a flirty text message within the last year, with a third indulging in "text sex."

The survey found 60 percent of respondents had sent a flirty text to someone other than their regular partner although not without consequences for many of them.

Of those who admitted cheating, 65 percent had been caught out by their mobile, with a third saying their partner had read incriminating text messages.

With loved-up texters getting ready for the big day, dot mobile has come up with a few tips:

-- Keep flirty messages short.

-- Observe the two-day rule: get in touch after meeting someone within two days, no longer.

-- Do not drink and text.

-- Avoid over-use of emoticons and jargon.

-- "Xs" at the end of messages should not exceed three.

-- Be careful about picture messaging which others may get their hands on.

-- Adhere to the two text rule; Admit defeat if you have not received a reply after 12 hours and two texts.

Lites · Senior Member

Married South Korean women are the least happy with their sex lives, Japanese men are the most likely to try and dodge a certain sex problem and French men are the most fond of their frolicking, according to a recent survey.

The survey released this week by the pharmaceutical firm Eli Lilly and Co., one of the makers of the anti-impotence drug Cialis, of 1,200 married men and women in South Korea, Japan, France and the United States also found the French had the best sex lives followed by the Americans.

Lilly Korea said the findings would be released globally next week ahead of Valentine's Day.

Fewer than one in three South Korean women said they were at least "slightly happy" about sex with their husbands, which was the lowest of the four groups of women.

About half the South Korean men, however, said they were satisfied in bed with their wives.

"Not often enough" topped the list of complaints by men in all four countries while the main complaint of wives was not enough romance.

Fewer than one in three Japanese men said they would seek help for erectile dysfunction, which was the lowest among the four groups of men, the survey said.

Fewer than one in 10 French men had any complaints about sex, which was also the lowest.

shashichief · 1st Moderator

BORROWING EGGS FROM THE EGGHEADS NEXT DOOR

The other day, I joined my children in watching an episode
of their favorite cartoon "Caillou" and was soon transported
to the wonderful world of make-believe. Caillou, a
four-year-old boy, wanted his mom to make pancakes for
breakfast, but she was out of eggs. So what did she do? She
went to the neighbor's house and borrowed an egg. She even
knew the neighbor's name: Mr. Hinkle.

How nice, I thought, getting an egg from the neighbor. I'd
love to have a neighbor who could occasionally supply me
with food. "Sorry to bother you, Mr. Hinkle," I'd say, "but
we seem to have run out of meat. Got a steak you can spare?
Just one will do."

We're always running out of stuff in our kitchen, especially
milk (we need to get ourselves a cow), eggs (we need to get
ourselves a hen) and ice cream (we need to get ourselves a
diet). But if I went to the neighbors, they'd open their
door cautiously, then give me a look that says, "I hope
you're not here to rob us. That would not be a wise thing to
do, because we know where you live."

The conversation would be rather awkward.

Me: "Sorry to bother you. We've run out of eggs. Do you
think I could borrow one?"

Male neighbor: "Sure, but you do know there's a grocery
store down the road? Not that we mind lending you an egg. I
mean, it's only one egg, right?"

Female voice from inside: "Who is it, honey?"

Male: "It's the neighbor, honey. He wants to borrow an egg."

Female: "An egg? Did you tell him there's a grocery store
right down the road?"

Male: "Yes, I did, honey. But he seems to want one of OUR
eggs."

Female: "There's also a farm in the other direction. I think
they have eggplants."

Male neighbor: "It's okay, honey. I'll lend him one of OURS.
Do you think you could draw up a loan contract?"

It wasn't too long ago that everyone knew their neighbors
and borrowing food and other items was common practice. But
these days, most people don't get anything from the
neighbors, other than a little fertilizer for the lawn. And
that's only because of the generosity of the neighbors' dog.

When you ask some folks about their neighbors, they speak as
if they're operating competing stores at the mall: "I've got
a pretty good neighbor. He minds his own business and I mind
mine."

That's not exactly how I'd define a good neighbor. I've got
other criteria:

Good neighbor: Keeps an eye on your house. Bad neighbor:
Keeps an eye on your wife.

Good neighbor: Eager to give you a piece of her apple pie.
Bad neighbor: Eager to give you a piece of her mind.

Good neighbor: Asks if you can turn your music up. Bad
neighbor: Asks if you can burn your music up.

Good neighbor: Offers to help you scrape your driveway when
it freezes over. Bad neighbor: Offers to help you scrape
your driveway when hell freezes over.

I'd love to have a good neighbor, one who's willing to give
me the shirt off his back. That would be wonderful,
especially when the laundry starts to pile up. "Sorry to
bother you, Mr. Hinkle, but we seem to have run out of
clothes. Got a shirt you can spare? The one on your back
looks rather nice."

shashichief · 1st Moderator

THE STEEP PRICE OF DEFEATING TERROR

President Bush has asked Congress for $72.4 billion to fund
the "Global War on Terror" through fiscal year 2006. About
$65 billion will go toward the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan,
bringing total spending for the two wars to nearly $400
billion. That's a lot of money, folks, almost $1,000 for
every man, woman, child, dog, cat and goldfish in America.

I can't fathom spending $400 billion on two wars. I mean,
wouldn't it be cheaper to just send Dick Cheney over there?
The vice president is surely embarrassed about shooting his
friend while quail hunting and eager for a chance to redeem
himself. Drop him in the war zone, I say. You might be
surprised what a man with motivation can do.

General: "Mr. Vice President, how did you do today?"

Cheney: "Pretty good. I'm all out of ammunition."

General: "Great! What did you shoot?"

Cheney: "Forty-five targets, including 23 barns, 15 sheds
and seven trees."

General: "Good. I'll add them to the enemy casualty list.
But what about the insurgents? Did you get any of them?"

Cheney: "No, as soon as they saw me, the insurgents turned
into outsurgents. They started running in all directions,
yelling something like, 'It's the crazy guy who shot his
friend. Imagine what he'll do to us.' I tried firing at
them, but those darn barns kept getting in the way. The
sheds and trees, too."

General: "Well, you'll do better tomorrow, I'm sure."

Cheney: "I hope so. If I keep hitting worthless objects,
how's my firm going to get another rebuilding contract?"

Okay, maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea to send Cheney
to Iraq. He can be far more useful in America, especially if
he helps explain where all the money is going. According to
a White House press release, "The President is committed to
giving our troops and commanders in the field the resources
they need to fight and win the War on Terror." I don't know
about you, but I'm looking forward to the day when President
Bush can declare victory over terror. I'm going to be so
elated when I see the New York Times headline that says,
"Terror surrenders, war over." But I can't help thinking
that America can terrorize terror into submission without
spending so much money. Here are just a few suggestions:

---Put democracy to work. Bush needs to get on the phone
with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia and others: "We're
bringing democracy to Iraq and if you don't start helping us
with the costs, we'll bring it to you too." I mean, what
good is democracy if you can't threaten people with it?

---Create a real coalition. America sent 130,000 soldiers to
Iraq, while Kazakhstan sent a dozen nightclub bouncers.
Bush allowed Mexico to get away with sending not a single
soldier, though he could have easily rounded up a platoon on
a street corner in L.A.

---Check the math. When you spend $400 billion, you can
afford to hire a few auditors to make sure no one is getting
rich off the war, except those approved by the president.

I wish some of the soldiers were getting rich, because many
of them come from poor families. Rich kids don't go to
war -- they go to Congress. And they never know what it's
like to be in a war, never know what it's like to be shot
at, except of course when they go hunting with Cheney.

RJ_Sonia · Administrator