THOU SHALT NOT JUDGE BEAUTY CONTESTS

Imagine you're flipping channels one night and come across
the Miss. Universe contest. What do you do? Well, if you're
like me, you tell yourself that it's demeaning to women and
objectifies them unfairly and that you shouldn't watch a
minute of it, not a single minute, beyond the swimsuit
round. I mean, principles are principles.

Well, imagine also that the judges are being introduced and
you recognize one of them: the priest of your church.
(Depending on your religion, this could be your minister,
rabbi, swami, mullah, etc.) Just last week he preached about
the importance of avoiding worldly pleasures, speaking so
forcefully that he almost caused you to look up from your
cell phone.

And here he is now, sweeping his eyes over a bevy of
beauties, smiling so broadly that you're fairly certain what
the next sermon will be about: the importance of
appreciating God's creations.

If this seems farfetched, that's probably because you don't
live in Norway, where a Lutheran vicar named Einar Gelius
had recently agreed to serve as a judge for a national
beauty pageant, with the winner representing Norway at the
Miss. Universe contest. He apparently believed he could do
whatever he wanted in his spare time, even judge women in
bikinis. But you can forgive him: He's a Gelius, not a
genius.

As reported by Reuters, the Church of Norway promptly asked
Gelius to resign from the panel of judges, saying that as a
representative of the church he should not be judging
others, bikinis or no bikinis. "The Church should preach
that we are all equal and this competition's view of women
is particularly disturbing," Arne Groeningsaeter, head of
the Oslo diocese council, told Reuters. Indeed, I'm always
disturbed when I watch the Miss. Universe contest, because I
realize that the women are not just equally beautiful, but
also equally likely to end up dating Donald Trump. I know he
owns the contest, but does he have to own the contestants
too?

If Gelius had quit immediately, perhaps this wouldn't have
made any headlines. But despite objections from church
members, he didn't resign for an entire week, not until he
heard from the Bishop of Oslo, also known as the big honcho.

Bishop: "What's this I hear, Einar? You're going to be
judging a beauty contest?"

Gelius: "Oh, it's nothing, Bishop. Just something I'm doing
in my free time. It's a good way to reach out to young
women -- and also do some scoring."

Bishop: "Are you going to reach out with God's message or
just with your eyes?"

Gelius: "My eyes, mostly. But they won't be judgmental eyes.
They'll be loving eyes, observing the women with
sensitivity, empathy and a pair of binoculars."

Bishop: "Isn't there something else you could do in your
free time? Why not take up beekeeping, like some other
clergymen?"

Gelius: "Well, they're interested in honey, Bishop. I'm
interested in honeys."

Bishop: "Your words disturb me, Einar. All women are equal
in the eyes of God. He made them all."

Gelius: "Yes, Bishop, I know they're equal. That's why,
while serving as judge, I plan to gaze at them equally. I
will give them equal attention and, of course, equal
love."

Bishop: "No, Einar, I can't permit you to do this. You are a
representative of the church and ..."

Gelius: "I will represent the church well, Bishop. I will
maintain honor and dignity and, of course, a broad smile."

MR. MICROSOFT PUTS HIS DOUGH TO WORK

It's easy to poke fun at Bill Gates, the richest man on the
planet. The Microsoft billionaire has been the butt of
thousands of jokes and one-liners. As an old girlfriend
said, "I used to call him Mr. Microsoft, but it made him
rather self-conscious, especially in the bedroom."

When Gates was in high school, none of the girls wanted to
date him. Not because he looked like a nerd, but because he
was president and founder of the Nerd Club. He tried to ask
one girl out, but she didn't understand what he meant when
he said, "Let's interface tonight." It didn't help matters
when he tried to entice her: "If you come home, I'll show
you my floppy."

Gates may not have been smooth with the ladies, but he knew
how to connect with computers, and before long he had
created some software, founded a company and was well on his
way to world domination. The computer world, if not the real
world, was soon bowing to him. If Microsoft wasn't quite a
monopoly, then Gates at least owned every hotel on Boardwalk
and Park Place. He was often accused of unfair business
practices, which is like accusing George Foreman of having
an appetite.

How rich is Bill Gates? He's so rich, he can buy every
member of Congress. With enough money left over to give
Martha Stewart a lifetime supply of Oil of Olay.

He's so rich, he can afford his own island. And change its
name to Great Bill-tain.

He's so rich, he can put a large Microsoft logo on Venus.
And an even bigger logo on Serena.

His house in Washington state is worth more than $100
million. It makes the White House look like a hut in
Botswana. (With a grinning Bush man in charge.) A 21st
century high-tech house, it's full of modern amenities, such
as a 17-by-60-foot swimming pool that plays music
underwater, a reception hall that seats 150 people and an
underground shelter that allows the maids and babysitters to
hide from immigration.

Yes, it's easy to poke fun at Bill Gates. What he's doing is
much harder: Giving his dough away. Well, a big lump of it
anyway, enough to make the world's biggest pizza -- or as
George Foreman would say, "A nice snack."

Through the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, he and his
wife have pledged more than $7 billion for various causes
and put a sharp focus on fighting diseases in poor
countries. They recently tripled their funding for
tuberculosis eradication to $900 million over the next
decade, hoping to save as many as 14 million lives. That's a
lot of people, folks, almost an entire neighborhood in China.

When the world's richest man gives money away, there are
bound to be skeptics, people who question his motives. Is he
just giving himself more tax deductions? Is he trying to
create goodwill to offset Microsoft's poor image? Is he
tired of receiving "Dear Uncle Bill" letters from those
long-lost nephews in Nigeria?

Whatever his motives, he's doing the right thing: trying to
help the underprivileged.

How rich is he? He's so rich, he can do what many countries
can't: provide hope for their citizens. And to them, there's
no one bigger than Mr. Microsoft.